And must not forget to feed the fish
by Sattar
Summary: She's a snarky pessimistic control-freak paragade, and she has to maneuver between her complex of responsibility for the whole universe and selfish desire to just send everything to hell and be happy.Will she get trapped in her own machination eventually?
1. Chapter 1

_Note: So, it's "revised edition" without thousands previous mistakes. Alright, billions mistakes. Everlasting gratitude to skywalker05 and virusq for their help:)_

_But I'm still writing Author's Notes by myself, so here can be mistakes:)  
_

_

* * *

_

When all your days begin with the same thing, you can call it stability. Or annoyance, if this thing is Kelly Chambers.

"Good morning, Commander!"

Kelly positively radiated joy and enthusiasm. She's a morning person, and it's one of the many reasons why I don't like her. Her "notification of new messages" function just doesn't recoup her accommodation costs. And Miranda can tell me about my mail just as well; I know she's lurking around anyway.

I nodded and went to my terminal. Must not forget to feed my fish...

"You received a new message at your private terminal!"

Gosh, the girl knows just when she has to say that. If she weren't part of the crew Cerberus imposed on me, she would be so fired. I mean, what kind of psychologist are you, if you can't figured out that you're talking to a night owl? I can let people who do important jobs (and do them damn good) be a bit familiar and willful, but this girl is just so useless. Ah, morning just isn't complete without some complaining to myself. Who else would listen to me?

So, who wants to write to me saying "You're not dead?!" today? Oh, that salarian is excited about Thane's coolness. Of course, I'd tell him that he can be your muse now, but I'm pretty sure, he's not interested in boys.

"And, Commander, Miranda wants to speak with you."

"Thank you", I said with a pleasant smile. Useless or not, girl's goin' to follow me to hell, so I might as well be nice to her. Some hypocrite I am, but hey, I can't genially love everyone. And others need to be inspired too, if I want to survive this mission. Which I do.

On my way to Miranda's quarters, I managed to dodge Gardner with his offers of new asari cannibal soup. By the way, fish, yeah.

Why the hell do I have to go to Miranda when she wants to talk with me? Can't she raise her precious genetically perfect ass from her chair and visit her commanding officer? Damn Cerberus. Well, Miranda actually rose up and even took a few steps in my direction. I'm honored.

"Shepard," she said with her usual intonation, that of a spoiled queen who found out that someone didn't indulge her whims. "About the information that you got from the Eclipse mercs... "

"No", I interrupted her and folded my arms. I play nice with people while they know their place; that's how it works. And Miranda always forgets that my grade in bitching is higher than hers. "I won't send it to the Illusive Man. And we will not discuss this again. Anything else? Something meaningful?"

She looked at me as if she wanted to nip off my nose, but restrained herself and said with venom in her voice, "Yes, I suppose you will consider this meaningful. Your pilot received a lawsuit from the Citadel's dispatcher. For moral damage."

Well, I suppose not for physical damage. This is Joker we're talking about; give him a random clerk with a standard bunch of complexes and you'll have a desperate maniac after one conversation. I activated my earpiece.

"Joker, what did you do to this poor civilian?"

"Why, good morning to you too, Commander! I'm fine, thanks for asking, and how are you? "

"Skip this part. So? "

"I didn't do anything to him. This lazy jerk said that I had to leave with my baby 'cause this big shot needed the parking place. I just explained to him that he made a big mistake and that you're the biggest shot in the galaxy. "

He had a point. I'm not going to let someone to shoo my Normandy off while I'm on a mission. It's good that I have a pilot who can be relied on to keep off zombies and dispatchers.

"You needed to tell me. I'm a Spectre and I can humiliate people legally."

"Kinda... didn't want to bother you with this nonsense." he said after a pause with less arrogance in his voice than usual.

Joker's a real pro in keeping his problems to himself. I said "Okay" and switched off the comm. Miranda was eyeing me with disappointment. She doesn't like Joker, and I wouldn't be surprised if this dispatcher was inspired by her.

"Contact Dr. Liara T'Soni. Give her this idiot's name and ask her to find interesting information about him. And by interesting I mean blackmail."

"That's all?" Her tone said "_You'll just let your pet flyboy get away with this?_" Oh, about the pets - must not forget about the fish.

"Yes. That's all." I gave her my best "_I'm Chief Witch here_" look. "I'll let you know when I have another orders for you." I turned and walked away, and, I believe, a man with no biotic shields in my place would have had two smoldering holes in his back. Good thing my biotics are stronger than hers.

My earpiece received an incoming call and I activated it.

"Commander, Grunt headbutted the glass in the cargo hold. The glass didn't survive, of course."

I sighed heavily. Wrex, my sane friend, how much I miss you.

"Again? I need to kick some asses in that shop on the Citadel. They said this glass would withstand a direct hit by a missile."

"He's a perfect krogan, you know. A missile is no match for him."

I smirked and shook my head. "Alright, thanks. "

Zaeed straightened up and pretended that he wasn't staring at the security monitor when I entered the right cargo hold.

"Zaeed, I need your help."

"What, did you come for another lesson?" He will never admit, but I know he just loves to tell me his stories. I always feel uncomfortable when older people are bragging about things that I wouldn't even note in my reports.

"Nope, but I know a person who desperately needs your lessons. And you know, mostly lessons about self-control."

"What?" he asked, eyeing me suspiciously with his healthy eye.

"Grunt smashed the glass again. That's the 5th bulletproof glass this week. He needs a distraction. "

"You gone insane or something?"

"Come on, Zaeed." I said with my special Charming Smile. "Who else would be able to say that he was a mentor to a perfect super-soldier krogan? Just tell him a few stories, you know, you're a pro at that."

"Well... " he muttered with some doubt, but also with hidden approval, and glanced at his table "But if he... "

"He won't break your beloved assault rifle," I said firmly. "If you don't crack jokes about his tank mother, I'm sure, you two will get along just fine."

"It's gonna cost you a lot."

"Send a check to the Illusive Man."

Gabby Daniels stood near elevator and looked nervous.

"Commander!" she greeted, in a whisper. What now, are she and Ken playing spies?

"Something wrong, Daniels?"

"Yes, there is actually a problem with some systems. Nothing really dangerous, but it must been checked as soon as possible. But... " She paused and then almost hissed, "It's near this woman."

Oh, Jack, of course. The crew never come down here in the beast's lair. And if I ask Jack to go somewhere else, her paranoia will tell her that Cerberus is going to corrupt all the information in her datapad, damage her guns, and put bugs in her bed.

"Well, can it wait half an hour? I'll take Jack with me in the shore party and you can fix your systems while we're on the planet."

Gabby beamed at me.

"Great, Commander! You just saved our lives from a terrible biotic-borne death. "

I smirked. "That's my job."

I walked out of the elevator and pretended that the things I was reading in my datapad could change the galaxy. Then there's no way some nosey yeoman's going to interrupt me. I simply can't use the Galaxy Map when she's looking over my shoulder.

"No messages for you, Commander, and..."

"Thanks," I said and shot past Chambers into the bridge. It seems she bought my "all busy" shit and stayed silent. This time.

During my approach Joker closed a few screens suspiciously fast and glanced at me."Mirrors in the cockpit that's my thirtieth request."

"Set a course for Canalus," I said, sitting down in the co pilot's chair "And pretend that we're discussing important things."

"Have Chambers on your tail, huh?"

I just smirked in response. There was silence for a few minutes while he was setting the course and I was watching his fingers flying over the orange keyboards. Joker can type freakin' fast. I wonder, does he play the piano? He would be really good...

"Uh, Commander?" Oh my, hello again, Less Arrogant Voice! So odd to hear you for a second time in one day. I shifted my gaze to Joker's face. He looked uncomfortable. "About this dispatcher... "

"Forget about that. The problem will be solved in a day or two."

"I'm sure you'll have many other chances to be badass and cool. How about leave this chance to me?"

Why every tough and deadly member of my crew thinks that throwing his personal problems at me is just fine, and the one person who doesn't want me to do something for him is my crippled pilot? It's some kind of paradox.

"I have no doubt that you can offend a judge's dignity just as well as a clerk's," I said, trying not to smile. "But that chance isn't for me; it's for Liara. Remember, I told you she's a tough and self sufficient information broker now? She would be happy to prove it to me. "

"So she finally followed your example, Commander?" Joker grinned and the defensiveness vanished from his voice. "You must be so proud of her."

"Yeah, when I came to her office the first time, she threatened some guy with promises to tear him apart with her mind. I thought "That's my girl!" and almost shed a tear."

"I hope she doesn't remember stupid, two year old jokes, yeah?" I chuckled, and he said after small pause "Hey, Commander... Um, thanks, I suppose?"

"No problem. You're welcome."

"But you have to do something about Grunt. I wasn't happy about a crazy krogan in my engineering deck from the very beginning, and I swear, if he breaks something, I'll get him airlocked." So he decided he had been nice for too long. Arrogant Sarcastic Voice, welcome back!

"Little silly to tell me that before you did that, no? Now you won't be able to pretend it was an accident." I said in my best bitch Commander voice and narrowed my eyes.

"I'm sure you'll be just fine without your pet krogan, who sticks around the cargo hold all the time anyway, but losing the best pilot you have would be critical for your mission." He had such a mischievous look in his green eyes and grinned so wide and smugly, that it was simply impossible to keep a serious face. "Speaking of sticking around, why do you never take him on missions? I'm sure he has to make a minimal required number of killings per day, and you don't let him satisfy his baby krogan needs."

"I can't."

"Huh? _Now_ I'm curious."

I rubbed the bridge of my nose. "Every time when we're hiding behind cover, he's yelling "I! AM! KROGAN!"

"What?" Joker's eyes widened and his grin changed into a "you're kidding me" type.

"I tell ya," I rolled my eyes "He yells it every damn time when he sees an enemy. And it's not something like "I am krogan!" or even "I AM KROGAN!", it's freaking "I! AM! KROGAN!" I bet people think "Hey, it's famous Commander Shepard, who once travelled with a krogan battlemaster! How could she have sunk so low?" And I can't stop giggling by myself, and you know, giggling can't really help when controlling a dark energy."

Joker started laughing in the middle of my tirade and fell into hysterics near the end. Obviously, he has a good imagination.

"Anyway, I solved Grunt's problem. I made Zaeed babysit him."

Joker stopped laughing and made his "oh, _that's_ a good idea" face. "Yeah, an unprincipled and violent merc is exactly the person who can teach a krogan how to act like a good boy. Tomorrow they'll play"boarding military ship". It'll really make Grunt happy and, maybe, someone on the Normandy will even survive."

Speaking about survival, fish needs food.

"It'll distract him from his "I'm krogan" problems. Come on, Grunt is a kid... sort of. And Zaeed desperately needs grandchildren. "

Joker shook his head.

"I think no one can look at things the way you do."

I snickered. "Good way to tell your commanding officer that she's insane."

"Hello, Joker. Um, Commander... "

"Yeah, hi, Kelly," Joker said and pretended that the control panels attracted his full attention.

"What, Ms Chambers?"

"Jacob reported some problems with the last upgrade for the assault rifles."

I sighed heavily, started to move, and probably made a really tired face, because Joker frowned and suddenly said, "Oh, come on, sit down!"

I obeyed, mostly in surprise.

"With all due respect, you're absolutely zero in tech. Send someone who can tell cryo ammo from disruptor ammo."

"I can _tell_, you know!" But hey, he's got a point. And besides, Miranda just loves reminding everyone that she's a second in command...

"Miss Chambers, please tell Operative Lawson to go to the Armory ." I smiled at her really genially for the first time and she looked slightly surprised.

"Very well, Commander."

Kelly returned a smile and walked away. Joker smirked and turned back to his keyboard.

"Playing matchmaker, Commander?"

I blinked. "Huh, I didn't think about it in that way... But, hey, why not? They could use distraction too."

"Yeah, Jacob certainly needs a distraction. From staring at your... lower-lower back." He said without looking at me and there was something wrong with his voice. Is it?.. Nah, let's call it "irritation".

"That's ridiculous, Joker," I said with a smile.

"So Cerberus implanted eyes in the back of your head?" It wasn't simple irritation, it really sounded like...

"Come on, I can't expect attention when Miranda in her... costume in the same room. Once I had a suit just like Miranda's." I said casually. "But with a bare back."

The typing stopped abruptly.

"And the same heels. And man, it was awful. I bet she has some special gene for the ability to fight in those heels. I don't have it, so I just gave up."

My, look at this wicked smile! It seems you have a really good imagination, m'boy...

"Well, you didn't have all this Cerberus cybernetic stuff at that time. Maybe you should try now."

Time for escape. But I must have a last word, right?

"Speaking about suits," I said, standing up from seat. "I should go and deal with my armor. Dressing in that thing is way more difficult than stripping from it."

"If you ever need help with anything, just ask. We're all here just to make your mission easier."

"I... will remember that." I said and walked to the elevator. You're not going to blush, girl, aren't you? Nah, of course not. And if I'm swaying my hips slightly more than usual, that's because this corridor looks like a catwalk. Totally not because of the gaze of green eyes that followed me.

And I was already in the shuttle, playing "count the rounds" with Jack's tattoo, when I remembered about the fish.


	2. Chapter 2

_A lot of thanks to skywalker05 for her amazing job with beta-reading:)_

_

* * *

_

"So, what did you do to him after all?" Joker cast a sidelong glance at me without stopping his work. Though, I always had thought that most of the time he just plays with all those orange screens and keys to impress me.

"Well, I poked him in the back a little, he fell and decided to destroy the Universe after some sleep. He was fine when I saw him later. "

"Ugh, Commander, you're such a killjoy today." He grinned and folded his arms. "I thought you'd let him have fun with the asari commandos. "

I grinned back and narrowed my eyes.

"He's just a pathetic volus; it'd be like to sending a mad kitten under sedation to fight a tiger. Though I know plenty of douchebags who I'd happy to see drugged like that. Udina, for example."

"But he was daring to proclaim himself the most powerful biotic in the Galaxy, when everyone knows that almighty adept Shepard is the true biotic goddess! "

_"Joker."_

"What?" He looked innocent like a child who just threw a rotten egg at your back, but is absolutely sure that he'll get away with it. "As if you don't turn on your fancy blue illumination every time some poor guy doesn't agree with you."

Joker is one of the very few people who are allowed to speak with me in such a tone. Bad thing is that he knows that, too.

"No, sometimes I use a gun." I said coolly.

"You're so good at multitasking; why are we even using that stupid AI on the ship?"

Once I managed to beat him in a war ship simulation game. He still can't forgive me.

"If I must tear you apart, Moreau, I will." He heard this over the radio comm enough times to recognize the reference.

"Words of the true goddess."

I frowned and his hat flashed with blue light and slipped down over his face.

"See? You're always like this!" He said, setting the hat straight.

And what must I do? Shut you up with a wild kiss? Don't tempt me, m'boy.

"Set a course for Neith. I expect to find some husks there."

"You sound excited about it."

"Of course! Parking a singularity in the center of their group is so much fun!"

"Such a great motivation for a glorious leader."

I snickered. You're predestined to be a leader when you have such biotic powers as mine. My actions determine how the whole team works. I pull snipers from out behind cover, and the others take them down. I make husks whirl around a mini black hole, I scatter groups of enemies; I send people flying. I basically control the battlefield. I can warp a man without shields to jelly with one movement. I could steal a wallet from a man from ten feet away when I was a child on Earth. I was called "witch" in the Alliance behind my back. When Joker and I couldn't stand each other, he spoke about me among the crew in terms like "manipulative hag", "redhead with no soul" and "viper with brainwashing venom". I called him "Flight Lieutenant Moreau " in a tone that freezes the wet pants of the thugs I usually deal with. Ah, the good old days.

"Well, I should go."

"See ya later, Commander."

* * *

There weren't husks on this damn planet. There were mechs, and I really don't like mechs. I have no clue about tech, and I would rather fight three Harbingers at the same time than one heavy mech. Fortunately, I took Garrus with me, so we handled this YMIR without any big trouble. But there were like one and a half hundred mechs, and I had to run through the battlefield to the shuttle. I really haven't gotten used to running from anyone. I got several wounds; my armor regenerated them fast, of course, but it was still painful and annoying enough. And I slipped on water from Mordin's cryo freeze and almost fell in the dirt.

So when I returned to the ship, I was... Well, I wasn't really angry, but totally not in a good mood.

Kelly's cheerful greeting and message alert didn't make things better. I opened my terminal in my quarters. I extremely needed to take a shower and have a cup of a good coffee after that and... Wait, what is this letter from? Kaidan?! What, he didn't just throw that rant at me that he saved up for two years?..

.... It would be better if it was a rant. It wasn't. And now I'm angry. And I'm going to do something with this. Shatter the fish tank first, maybe?..


	3. Chapter 3

_Thanks for the reviews. I actually didn't intend to continue after first chapter, but you guys made me feel like it worth the torture:) And thanks to skywalker05 for every corrected mistake:)_

_

* * *

  
_

I entered the Main Battery room and Garrus turned to me. Garrus was on Horizon with me. He saw the awful scene there. He'll understand me. My old friend Garrus will support me, right?

"Shepard. Need me for something?"

"Have you got a minute?" I asked.

He cast a quick glance away from me, then said, "Can it wait? I'm in the middle of some calibrations."

Of course, here I am, preparing to pour out my soul, and he's calibrating. I think those calibrations are some kind of Oroboros, an endless loop with him always in the middle.

"Garrus, please, tell me, just to reassure me – you're actually playing extranet games or reading Batman comics or watching porn, right? Because if you're doing these calibrations all the time every day, it really starts to seem slightly weird."

EDI saved him from needing to answer when she suddenly popped up and said "Commander, warning – the cameras in the Observation Desk have gone off line. I have no information about the reason."

"What the hell... " I muttered, heading to the Observation Desk as fast as I could.

Samara walked out off the Observation Desk, looking less transcendental and much more uncomfortable than usual.

"Samara! Are you alright? What happened?"

"I had... an unforeseen burst of biotic activity."She dropped her eyes and opened the door to the Observation Desk.

"What do you mean – an unfor... Holy balls!"

The Observation Desk was in ruins. There was nothing intact at all. Benches had been rooted out from the floor and splinters of them were scattered all over the room. Walls and windows were scratched severely, apparently by pieces of the bench as if they were whirled by a tornado with wild power.

I closed my mouth and turned to Samara, who looked confounded and started to talk as soon as she met my eyes. "I was meditating as always, Shepard, nothing special. But I suddenly felt a burst of energy. It was only seconds before I restrained myself, and opened my eyes, but everything was already in... that condition. This never happened to me before. I am sorry."

"You mean to say this... just happened? And you don't know why? Come on, Samara, there _must_ be something that provoked it!"

"I did not change anything about my usual routine, Shepard."

"Samara, tell me please, what exactly were you meditating on that lead to... such results? I'm asking not out of curiosity, but because Thane also likes to meditate and there are many guns on the walls in Life Support, so if this happened to him... It could end really badly."

Her eyes suddenly widened. "Tea!"

"Tea? You meditated on tea?"

"No, the taste of the tea today was slightly different. I thought it was just a new sort from Gardner's supplies... "

"A-ha... Alright, Samara, stay here, do not meditate, don't even think about anything deeply." Her face hardened, but she only nodded. It must be offensive to an experienced justicar to be in such a situation. I sighed and said "Sorry, Samara, I'm sure it's not your fault and I will investigate it immediately."

"Thank you, Shepard" she said with her usual dignity and turned to the scratched window.

* * *

"Ah, Commander! Would you like to try my... "

"Gardner." I interrupted his cheerful offer and said with ice in my voice, "What did you give to Samara?"

He blinked in surprise. "Are you talking about Professor Mordin's tea? He said it's special tea for asari, and I gave it to the only asari in the ship. She didn't appreciate that?"

"Gardner," I said very coolly. "Who gave Professor Mordin permission to change the menu?"

"Um, nobody, but he's a professor after all, I thought... "

"You had to tell me." I didn't raise my voice, but Gardner took a step back and swallowed. "You shouldn't take anything from anyone. You have a very simple job, Gardner, but it seems you aren't able to perform it."

He opened his mouth, but closed it again when he met my gaze.

"I won't impose a punishment on you in this time, but you must clean out the Observation Desk. I want it to shine, understand?"

He nodded with relief. "Of course, Commander. Thank you, Commander, it won't happen again. And what do you think about some apple pie with dinner?"

Heh, this man can think in the right direction. I raised an eyebrow and smirked.

"I do not mind."

* * *

"Shepard. How... "

"Mordin." Mordin was silent for a second, looked up from his computer and stepped forward

"High irritation and severe determination. I suppose my stimulator worked, but not entirely properly. How is Samara?"

"She meditated, and in the process smashed the Observation Desk into pieces. What was the shit you gave her and why the hell are you experimenting on my squad?"

"It wasn't an experiment. I estimated every possible consequence and conducted tests. It seems Samara's justicar powers affect her whole nervous system. How interesting, what if... "

"Mordin!"

"Yes, yes. But nobody has ever received the opportunity to explore a justicar's peculiar properties before. Ah, well, no need to look at me that way, Shepard. Already understood that you don't want to help science."

"What was the stuff you gave her, again?"

"Do you remember Niftu Cal from the Eclipse base?"

"You mean... that drugged volus?!"

"Substance that they used on them had interesting possibilities. But they were ruined by side effects. Slovenly, unprofessional work. But bright idea in basic formula. Remade everything, added some stabilization, removed influence on brain's activity. Tests predicted increased biotic power of 26 percent for two hours."

"Who... who else did you give it to?"

If I cause a little tornado in my sleep, Joker is going to die from laughter before he'll have time to say "biotic goddess".

"Samara only. You rarely take her on missions, she's experienced enough to control herself. And spends most of the time in isolation. Also, justicars... "

"Mordin. I need this justicar, alright? Find another and toy with her."

"Yes, yes, understood. By the way, Shepard. As your personal physician I highly recommend that you discuss your problem with a friend. "

"What?"

"You're tense and nervous. Your usual reactions to even bigger problems are far more patient and humorous. And you used words which you ordinarily consider inappropriate in your speech. Your emotional state is unstable now and it can effect your biotics. I suggest you talk with someone you trust. Don't think I'm offering myself, though. Don't understand cobweb of human feelings."

I wish Tali was here. But she's on some special mission and I don't want to bring Cerberus people into quarian problems. Well, then there is only one person who I can talk to, though he certainly won't be happy about it.

* * *

"Jeeeeeff... " I wheedled and smiled ingratiatingly.

Joker turned his head, met my eyes and raised an eyebrow, grinning questioningly. "Yeeees?"

"I'm going to have a personal talk with you and there is no way you can avoid it."

"Well, I'm afraid."

His eyebrow rose higher, and curious sparkles lit up in his eyes. And he smiled, not grinned or smirked as usual. _Awww_. Can we forget about Kaidan and try to seduce one charming pilot?

He said once on the old Normandy that I eat men's hearts for breakfast without salt and buy weapons with the money from selling the rest of the organs. Too bad, girl, he's not interested in witches.

"You should. Kaidan sent me an e-mail."

The sparkles died out and Joker turned to his console, starting to type furiously.

"I'm sure Chambers would consider her life's purpose fulfilled if you two have girl talk together."

Freaking no, Jeff, you won't send me away with your sarcastic bullshit. It's not my habit to discuss such things with other people, but now I'm really angry, confused... and well, let us be honest, scared to death.

When you spend 18 years of your life in streets and gangs, you get used to taking pleasure where you can. Love just doesn't work for me – the couple of times when I loved someone ended up really, really bad. I think if one day a prince in shining armor came for me, I would run away and hide in some dark pit. Even if I have to kick out Jack of there first.

So I didn't plan anything serious when I started flirting with Kaidan. The way he stared at me in some kind of worshipful hunger since our first meeting made his interest pretty clear. He has a nice body, was quite handsome, smart, loyal and confident. Why in hell no?

But nooo, it's never easy with Kaidan. First, he's all about rank. In deep, I don't really care about status, but for Kaidan it's part of his precious self control. At the beginning I thought that repeating "Commander" in private dialog was sorta driving him mad, and, well, everyone has their own fetishes. But then I learned his whole problem about "non humans", and this started to sound really weird. In every damn conversation he talked about "Jump Zero" and this dead turian. After all, I decided that maybe he could be hot, if you managed to go through all his angsty stuff, but I'm kinda not that patient.

But then Virmire happened. I was forced to choose and I didn't even have a time to think. I knew Ashley's family problem, knew her old shame, I knew it was hunting Ash for her whole life, I knew that she really wanted to rehabilitate her family. I knew she wanted to be a hero. I chose her. It wasn't a cold blooded decision, it was a quick thought, a grain of sand that tipped the scales. I didn't even think about the "relationship" between me and Kaidan, it simply didn't matter.

But then Kaidan yelled at me. He felt guilty and he decided that I saved him because I need him, because there was something between us. He started to look at me with those doggy eyes, tried to comfort me when the Council turned me down. What was I supposed to say him? – No, Kaidan, you don't mean something serious to me, I let her die because she wanted to whitewash the reputation of her family, and I never had a family at all, so who I am to judge her? I was already feeling like shit about Ashley, so I didn't want to feel like shit about Kaidan too. I let him believe what he wanted. I thought it could wait until all this mess with Saren ended. But then I died.

When he yelled at me on Horizon, I felt relief. I felt free, I thought he made it clear that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. But then he wrote this letter. He's going to pop up someday with his doggy eyes, and my complex of responsibility for the whole universe – and you can't save the galaxy without this complex – will tell me that Kaidan needs me and it's my fault. And I'm gonna feel like a total shit when I turn him down.

"I don't want this Cerberus 'oh, I didn't have it in your dossier, I must make a note' girl, I want you."

I want you to understand me, to say something really sarcastic about it, to make me stop feeling like I'm in a trap... to make me think that there is someone in this damn world who cares about what I feel and not because it will affect my biotics.

"Come on, Joker, you're my closest friend here. Just pretend you're listening for a while, okay?"

He sighed heavily and said, still not turning to look at me, "Must I borrow that sexy jacket from a certain assassin so you can comfortably cry on my chest?"

I took that as an assent.

"You know, I didn't put a gun to his head and make him say ''I love you". I never claimed to have serious feelings. And now he writes that I was everything to him! What does he know about me? I actually talked the most to Wrex, if we aren't counting you. But he confessed his feelings, and what is he doing? I mean, when you love somebody, doesn't it mean you trust that person? And when your beloved in a really bad situation, especially one not even brought about by her own will, don't you have to not judge her and not yell and poke fingers at her nose, but... support her, don't you? You must always be around, watch her back, make her feel better-- not just constantly complain about your dramatic past. And certainly your reputation must be the last thing you worry about. You must follow her to hell and back, even if you're the only one she can trust in the company of crazy murderers, you must do impossible things for her without complaining or asking for a reward. I mean, love is such a rare thing, and when he talks about it, it sounds like mockery. Joker, can you understand me?"

Wait, this all sounds strangely familiar... as if I know a man who exactly matches this description...

"Of-course-Commander-I-understand, by the way, where are those unlucky asses that you're gonna kick next?"

...Aaaand he sits right in front of me and desperately tries to change the subject.

Wait, wait! He's there because he can fly the Normandy. But... he didn't know that he'd get her until the very last moment. But he pretty much knew about Cerberus and the nasty stuff that they did. And still, he agreed to come. They let him fly, huh? He's the damn best, I'm sure every legal and illegal organization would be happy to have him. And he was grounded for two years, two years for a man who basically lives in a pilot's chair, who spends his whole life among ships. C'mon, ships are his life. So, I suppose, losing me meant _something_ for him.

"Joker... " I began slowly, but stopped. What can I ask – "Gee, Joker, it just kinda strikes me that you maybe have feelings for me, what da ya say 'bout it?"

He still didn't look at me and he'd been pressing one button already for five minutes. He didn't say anything – sarcastic or not about my speech. The way he becomes more snarky when I return from especially dangerous missions – and I know, his mordancy increases when he's nervous. This is Joker after all, you must look not at what he said, but at what he did. And he did everything that I was talking about. So, I think, he really cares, yeah?

Where were my eyes all this time?

Well, death and saving the galaxy kinda distracted me. And it was just a few days for me, not two years, and Joker remained unchanged – he was still smart ass and light hearted. I can imagine how much it cost him, but I still took his loyalty for granted. I thought of him as my pilot, not the Alliance's, since we hijacked the Normandy. So, I'm with Cerberus now, but _of course_ Joker's here, what do you mean, he has his own life? Girl, you can be so blind sometimes.

So, what now? Shall we try?

Once, in the old Normandy, I sat in the co pilot's chair after some helluva mission, absolutely exhausted, and listened to how Joker was grumbling about engineers who did something wrong to the Normandy. He was pissed off, ruffled and extremely sarcastic, but I suddenly thought "Hey, if he were around always, that would be nice." It was such a strange thing to think that I was freaked out by myself. I haven't thought anything like that since my first love. Well, I was pretty sure that Joker wasn't going to sell me to batarian slavers, but I still didn't like to get accustomed to anyone. But now I've lost almost everything and everyone, and he is still around, and it's still nice. It must mean something, right?

Joker cast a worried look at me. Oh, right, I was just standing here and staring at the back of his head-- must say something already.

"Umgh, Tuchanka. Course for Tuchanka."

"Roger that, Commander."

"So well, thanks for listening. I should go."

"See you then..." He said this with a strangely questioning intonation. Ugh, can I say this? Pretty please, can I say this?.. Alright, make him jump.

"Sure, m'boy."


	4. Chapter 4

_A thousand of thanks to skywalker05 for amazingly fast beta-reading:)_

_So, two years earlier..._

_

* * *

_

"She is incredible. She's the best Commander I've ever worked with."

Kaidan started to become really annoying with his new obsession.

"I believe Caporal Jenkins wouldn't agree with that."

"It wasn't her fault. She did more than anyone else could in her place. She saved the colony from the bomb, she saved me and Williams. It's amazing that she lost just one soldier."

On the one hand, now he was spending almost all his time on the second deck, trying to get Shepard's attention, and showed up in the cockpit with the sole purpose of babbling. It was good, because in theory Kaidan was a co-pilot and Joker would rather share a toothbrush than control of the ship. On the other hand, all Kaidan could talk about now was Shepard.

"Yeah, really amazing, since losing soldiers is her primary job, considering Torfan. "

"You just hate her because she's strict."

Even worse, Kaidan wanted to convince Joker that Shepard was a good and wonderful person. Kaidan was a nice guy, so Joker felt sorry for him. Developing a crush on the famous murderous Commander is a somewhat unusual way to ruin your life.

"Strict? 'Captain Anderson, who gave this pilot permission to speak? ' 'Are you sure he's the best graduate of flight school, and not of a clown show?' 'I assure you, Flight Lieutenant Moreau, that if we need an unprofessional opinion, we'll ask you. Now return to your actual job. ' You call it _strict_? She freaking hates me! "

"Shepard just doesn't like… willfulness."

"Shepard hates everyone with an actual personality! She likes to pull the strings and see how people dance for her. By all means, I'm not ready for dancing, so she hates me."

"You're paranoid. She'll like you when she knows you better."

"I don't want her to know me better. I don't need her therapy talks, when you guys just love to pour out your souls to her. I'm just happy that she's only the XO."

* * *

"So we can _finally_ talk, Lieutenant Moreau."

There was a world of derogatory and intimidating subtext in this simple sentence. Of course, now she's a Spectre, so she drove Anderson out and got the Normandy. Clearly that was her purpose since the very beginning.

"Well, I'll tell you the same thing I told the captain. You want me as your pilot. I'm not good. I'm not even great. I'm the best damn helmsman in the Alliance fleet. Top of my class in flight school? I earned that. All these commendations in my file? I earned every single one. Those weren't given to me as charity for my disease."

Shepard listened to his entire speech with folded arms and an expression of inpatient boredom. Then she raised an eyebrow and said coolly, "Now listen to me, flyboy, and don't tell me what I want. I don't care if everyone thinks you're the best. I don't care if you really are the best the Alliance fleet can offer. I want this ship to perform impossible tricks for my mission and if you aren't able to do this, I'll hire a non-military pilot or a turian or even a hanar if I must. So you can shove all your commendations up your ass and prove to me that you're worthy. And if I'll decide that you're not good enough for _me_, I make sure that you fly a garbage collector for the rest of your life."

She turned around and left, not giving him time to answer. Alright, she's clearly the winner of this arrogance contest.

And you were afraid that your captain would pity you when you graduated flight school. If something goes wrong, Shepard will send you against an enemy without a second of hesitation. Crawling, if you already managed to break your legs. Let's hope she gives you a gun first.

* * *

Her first days of being Spectre Shepard were spent "paying her last respects to the Alliance". She knocked about the Galaxy, performing quick missions for Admiral Hackett. But everyone on the ship realized that in fact she was testing the crew because she didn't trust Alliance staff recruitment. She wandered around the Normandy, asking nice and polite questions, but people were nervous because no one wanted to be in Joker's place.

Shepard positively terrorized him with orders. At first it was more or less standard maneuvers, difficult, but safe and familiar. But then she started to order crazy things. They were dangerous and useless, but quite spectacular. Does she just want a show? And what bugged him a lot, some of those tricks looked suspiciously similar to some old movies about spaceships. But there's no way she watched that stuff, because… Well, because she is Commander Shepard and can't have off-duty interests, right?

He grumbled about her, the crew sympathized with him and even Kaidan didn't have a lot to say in Shepard's defense in those days, but some part of Joker actually enjoyed the situation. It was a challenge, a fight, a game, and she played without condescension, what meant that she played as with an equal.

Shepard played fair though - when she demanded really impossible thing, he agreed and asked where her new super-ship was, because the Normandy and every existing spaceship couldn't do that without violating the laws of nature. She only shrugged and said "Good to know. It seemed like a good idea." And, hell, what another captain would send you through an asteroid belt with the task of keeping to the maximum possible speed, or let you make circles around an admiral's cruiser?

Shepard was absolutely pissed off after Mikhailovich's inspection, although she was disgustingly polite with him. But then she found out when he was going to fly on a cruiser, tracked him down and said to Joker with a grim smile "Lieutenant Moreau, I want you to perform the maneuver called 'Dancing around big fat idiot and screaming - Try to catch me, fool!' And if the admiral yells at me for less than half an hour, you failed."

_She's insane. Absolutely insane. Who cares? I've wanted an order like that my whole life._

After all, Joker had fifteen minutes of pure, unlimited fun before the cruiser started to call for Alliance support, and then Shepard had an hour of yelling. With a stony face and innocent eyes she declared that she just wanted to show the the admiral the advantages of frigates for educational purposes. For that she even got distracted from her Spectre's mission of Galaxy-wide importance. She hoped the admiral would appreciate the concern.

_Well, one thing you've gotta give her_, Joker thought, laughing at her speech. _This woman has spirit. And under her command you can forget about the big bosses. _

_

* * *

_

Shepard appeared after Therum and Joker prepared for a beating, because the asari was freaked out by his joke. _Hello, blue alien girl! I've just rescued you from erupting volcano, didn't you notice?_ Seriously, any other pilot wouldn't risk it, or would have half of the ship melting on the process. How about a little "Thank you, Joker, great job!"? Not from Shepard, of course, but this asari is somewhat scientist, isn't she supposed to be rational and reasonable? And complaining to Shepard about Joker is like throwing a nuke bomb into a nuclear reactor; witch already can't stand him, so…

"You're alright."

Joker looked up and blinked. Yep, it's still Shepard standing right here. Did he pick up the wrong Commander from this planet or did she simply hit her head?

"I think I owe you an explanation after my whole reign of terror." She sighed and shrugged. "Well, my experience has taught me that the bragging of arrogant people can't be trusted. I thought that you were one of those idiots who think that everyone has to admire them because they have a fancy paper. Or some they're some grind, the star of their school, who considers war is a funny game and would chicken out in their first real mess. But, well, I was wrong about you."

Oh-ho, what? This is definitely a time for "You're sleeping on duty, Flight Lieutenant Moreau!" in the voice of the _real_ Shepard.

"And besides, the Normandy is such a beauty. I'd hate to think that she's in the hands of a moron. But…" she slightly grinned and shrugged again. "You deserve her… Joker."

She turned around and walked away. For a whole minute all he could think about was that he never felt so ridiculously proud and flattered by being called by his nickname.

It was a capitulation, wasn't it? Or just new method of manipulation, when she realized that raw power wouldn't work? More likely the last.

But if it was a capitulation, did it mean that she would stop coming here?

Shepard didn't stop appearing, but also didn't try to be overly familiar with him or worm herself into Joker's confidence. In fact, she looked slightly puzzled, as if she came here by force of habit and couldn't remember what exactly she was supposed to be doing here since she stopped intimidating her pilot. So she asked about the Normandy's condition, nodded and walked away. Sometimes she made a thoughtful comment on a random theme, like "I hope Williams uses our terminal only for family letters and not for spamming all over the extranet. What a shame it would be." She sounded tired and inoffensive, like she just wanted to exchange a few words with someone who could understand sarcasm, and Joker got used to her.

* * *

Feros was a pain in the ass. All those colonists looked and acted like a bunch of zombies from a bad old movie. Shepard ordered the crew not to undertake anything before her appearance - clearly she didn't want anyone to steel her pleasure in massacre. It's not like Joker wanted to do this, but their screams and noise made him nervous. Shepard's going to kill them all. She can muddle a devil's brain, but those guys just don't have enough brains to muddle. It was really, really disturbing and uncomfortable to watch their mindless faces through the outward cameras and know that they were all going to be dead after a few hours. Shepard would add the title "The Butcher of Feros" to her "The Butcher" list.

She appeared on the Normandy with four broken ribs, a strained voice and a slightly defocused, but very angry gaze. None of the colonists got any scratches.

Shepard came to the cockpit later, patched up by Dr. Chakwas, irritated and obviously going to explode.

"Did the Normandy get any serious damage from those morons?" She asked with a husky voice.

"Nope. Lost a few cameras and they splashed the ship's skin with mud and their slobber, but nothing dangerous. "

"Good. I knew the idiots were incapable of doing anything right."

"It looks like you don't sympathize with them, Commander. They're victims and they worship you now, don't they?"

Shepard sighed and raised an eyebrow. "You really want to know my opinion?"

Not an ordinary question from your commanding officer. Usually they just throw a self-righteous rant at you and don't care what you want.

"Yeah, go ahead."

So she fell down in the co-pilot's chair, glanced around to make sure that there was nobody else around, and started a wonderful speech about morons who didn't do anything about becoming zombies, corporations full of sons-of-a-bitches with their useless experiments, hysterical ancient weed, and an asari rapist.

"And never allow asari to seduce you. Sure, they seem all hot and exotic, but every time I heard 'embrace eternity', I ended up with my brains literally being raped. And it's not even…"

The Normandy systems chose exactly this moment to remind him about needing to readjust communication service. Shepard shuddered at the sound of the alert and then said quickly

"Oh, well, I won't distract you anymore."

She decided Joker made it happen as excuse to drive her off. He knew, he was paranoid too. She would stop hanging around after this. It's for the better, probably. No need to be familiar with your murderous commanding officer, even if she could be funny, kinda hot and…

"You don't. In fact, I could use a little help."

"What?"

"Erm… press this key. And hold it. See, now I don't need to hit it every three minutes to check stats."

Of course, he could simply lock the screen, but there was no way she knew about that.

"I see" she murmured dreamy looking like child, who finally got a toy which he wanted for his entire life.

"You like ships, it seems?" he asked casually.

"Yep." She said with - _oh my god, did you see that_ - sheepish smile and shook her head awkwardly. "But I have no clue about this. Never had a chance to study."

There is actually no choice when a pretty girl looks at you with expectation in shining eyes. It was really hard not to forget that the woman next to him is a deadly Commander, when she laughs, waves her long lashes at him and asks things like "And what is this fancy key for? Oh, cool, can I press it? Pleeease? Yay! Gee, look, it works!" Joker did two monitoring checks for her and showed her how to change a course. It cost an additional expenditure of fuel, but was totally worth it.

"Sorry, Commander, can I speak with you?"

Shepard almost jumped at Pressly's voice and instantly shifted back to her usual, imperturbable attitude.

"Of course, Pressly. I will be there in a second."

Oh, great. Now she'll perform a ritual execution, because he spent - how long was it? A whole hour? - ordering her around, raising his voice and teasing her in an absolutely inappropriate manner. But she stood up and grinned somewhat… gratefully?

"Well, I should go. Thanks, by the way."

"For listening to your entire complaint?"

"Nagh, I saw you enjoyed it. For permission to press the buttons."

Shepard was quite an entertainment after all. Besides her endless sarcastic pessimism, she liked ships and it was funny how woman who can call out a Citadel's Council bullshit, listens to all tech nonsense with wide shining eyes.

She also had a thing for myths and legends. She could tell a story about every single constellation as well as about common simple things. And what was more interesting and somewhat disturbing, she could easily make villains look like victims, heroes - like idiots, and change a moral for almost its opposite. She did it for fun, effortlessly, without a moment's thought, as if manipulating people's opinion was her talent and habit. Now it was easy to believe Kaidan's eulogies about how Shepard put criminals on the right track. She was so good at telling fairytales.

* * *

It was the early hours of night, when most of the crew had already gone to sleep and Shepard usually showed up. But today her approach was betrayed not only by light footsteps, but also by a wonderful scent.

"Hey, is that coffee?" he asked, turning to her.

"Yep." She grinned smugly in anticipation, offering a small cup "Wanna try?"

Joker sized her up with a suspicious gaze, accepting the cup.

"Commander, you understand that poisoning the most confident pilot, who also able to work under your… Mmgh… Hey, it's great! "

"I knew you could appreciate it."

_But I didn't know that you could make something like this. And, even more unbelievably, that you'd share it with your pilot. _

"But it's way too good to be from the Alliance's supplies."

"Of course. I purchased it in the Citadel delicacies shop—my own choice. What's the fun in being a Spectre if you don't have privileges?"

"As long as you're willing to share, I approve."

They became silent for few minutes, taking slow sips and enjoying a taste. Even with his caffeine addiction, Joker had gotten used to much cheaper stuff. And there were even some awesome spices…

"You got the coordinates from Garrus?"

"Yeah, we'll arrive next morning. But, Commander, are we boarding civilian ships now?"

"What, you don't approve of piracy?"

"Well, if you tried to bribe me with this stuff, you totally succeeded. So I don't mind, I'm just curious. After all, tomorrow I'm going to perform a discordant docking with a possibly hostile ship. If you want to know how it feels, try to catch an egg on a spoon."

Shepard smiled and said with unexpectedly soft voice, "I thought we made it clear that you're awesome, amazing and so on. No need in fishing for compliments."

This woman can make a compliment sound like an insult. You would think that if there are very few creatures in the Galaxy who could try to match your skills, you deserve something better than "Joker, last time you picked us up, the Mako was terribly shaken. Be more gentle next time, would you please?" Sometimes he wanted to leave them with some ordinary pilot for a few days. You know, just to make them understand what "terribly shaken" truly means.

"Anyway. Ship's owner is a criminal. Garrus' old client."

"You and Garrus… err… don't seem to be very close friends."

Shepard basically avoided him as often as she could.

"Well. I decided he's okay. For a cop."

"For a cop? What's wrong with cops?"

She sighed and bit her lip, casting heavy sight at him."Some criminal I was."

"Whoa! Really? It wasn't in your bio."

But it explains some things about her. Like why she got along with Wrex so well since the very beginning and why she easily forgets about regs when she starts to respect you. And her rude methods sometimes.

"Huh? You read my bio?"

What was that outburst of interest in her eyes for? You think you found a way to make your pilot self-conscious?

"Please, Commander, everyone on this ship did."

"Fair enough, I guess. Anyway, I think it's quite ironic - I always was beyond the law; first as a criminal, now as a Spectre."

"You wasn't just some petty thief, I take it?"

"Nope, of course. In fact, I could have a bright mafioso future. For example, I hijacked a starship at seventeen."

"You can't leave me without details, Commander. The way too cruel even for you."

"Heh, I knew you'd wanna hear this story…"

* * *

Joker knew that biotics needed more food to make up for the loss of energy. Kaidan always had a more high-calorie ration than anyone on the ship. But Shepard took it to a whole new level. Sure, she was a "pure" biotic as opposed to Kaidan, who also had tech specialization, so it was natural that she required more energy. Three standard portions and like a dozen self-made sandwiches was normal for her. Comparing her with a trash compactor was one of the really effective ways to tease her. Problem was that she fell into the habit of eating in the cockpit. Joker got mad about crumbs every time, because yes, she is the damn Commander and it's her ship, but this is _his_ workplace. He basically lives here, so her sowing all available surfaces with crumbs surfaces was annoying as hell. Probably, it would be easy to keep her off, but it's really boring sometimes - well, most of the time, - and she always shared delicacies with him. And don't forget about her coffee. Anything for such great coffee.

So Joker had to endure - while constantly needling her, of course. And in this evening he watched Shepard consuming a third box of chocolate cookies with rather bland curiosity.

_Man, it's going cost a half-year's income to take her to a decent restaurant._

_Then be thankful that it's not your problem._

_Why not? She spends a lot of time here. She likes my jokes. And do you see how she smiles sometimes? She can decoy ships on cliffs with that smile._

_She spends a lot of time with Wrex too. You wanna say it means that they're romantically involved? It means that he's her friend. Just like you. Friendship is your best option. Leave problems with restaurants to Kaidan._

"Joker?"

"Err, what?"

"No comment?"

"Why must I comment?"

"I just said that they fought for three days without any reason, no one can win, so they hugged one other, kissed - like friends, I guess, - and vowed eternal friendship. And only after that they introduced themselves to each other."

"This is beyond any comment. But you should tell this story to Wrex. Those guys act like true krogans."

"You understand that you compared Lancelot and Tristan with krogans? They were, like, knighthood personified."

"They pick a fight with anybody and everybody on their way and don't respect anyone who can't kick the shit out of them. Totally krogans."

"I doubt there's enough tough horses for a krogan in heavy armor, but… Hell, sure, I'm it'll make the best prince charming for every romantic girl."

"If you get Wrex into shining armor, I'll sell tickets for the show."

"Huh, nice. Would you bring a bouquet for my funeral? I want orange lilies."

"Only if there are free drinks."

* * *

Noveria was boring like frozen hell - pointless and annoying. The devils obviously got out of here long ago as well as most of the sinners, since there's no fun anymore. Only the most stubborn stayed - bureaucrats, swindlers and bureaucrat- swindlers. The last ones were in the majority, but all of them were certainly boring. And, although Joker would rather take part in a marathon than admit it, there was boring without Shepard.

She was positively happy here and rarely showed up on the ship. She clearly just loved intrigues and behind-the-scenes negotiations and she was damn good at that. Shepard turned this place upside down and even managed to displace an administrator or something like that. Obviously she had no time for silly conversations with, you know, just some pilot. It's not like she remembered anyway.

But the one who truly pined for Shepard was Kaidan. She didn't take him along and probably for the best - Kaidan wasn't a man for machinations, but it meant that most of the time he spent complaining to Joker. The pilot at least got some cheerful greetings when she appeared on the ship for her vile plans, like picking up contraband. Of course, Joker realized that it was only because he was sitting near the airlock and Shepard was too lazy to go down for Kaidan.

He was carrying out routine system checks, when he recognized her footsteps behind him, but didn't look up, pretending to be busy.

"Commander, we… HEY! What the hell?!"

Something cold slipped down his spine, making him jump on the seat. He turned to Shepard, who sprung back and apparently found his face very funny, because she started giggling like crazy.

"You grumbled about Noveria's weather so much!" She managed to explain through wild chuckle "And you didn't even leave the ship! I decided it would be only fair if you learned what you were talking about. "

So she did remember, heh. Just don't get all excited, ok?

"Oh, right, what a mature act of a famous hero." He said, getting a lump of snow out of his collar. "Harassing your crippled subordinate."

Shepard wasn't confused like most of the people when they were accused of offending a disabled person. Instead she stuck her tongue out, looking absolutely childish, mischievous and self-satisfied. Joker couldn't resist.

She managed only to let out something that sounded like "Meow" and open her eyes ridiculously wide, when snowball hit her in the forehead. It was too hilarious to think about ranks and not to laugh.

"Whoa, look at this! Headshot! On invincible Commander Shepard!"

She made an angry face, but after for a few seconds fell into laughter too.

"Alright, alright, you got it. But don't tell anyone; I have a reputation to keep."

Keeping a reputation apparently consisted of pushing Joker's hat down and running out of the cockpit. He couldn't stop grinning for the next few hours.

* * *

One day she somehow procured grapefruit and ate it with honey. It was a really bad day for Joker.

She held the grapefruit segment with two fingertips, dipped it into the honey and then caught it with her parted lips. And this entire process was filled with pure eroticism - unintended and natural, of course, but more tempting because of that. He tried not to stare, but he saw her in the corner of his eye - _man, you will get a squint_ - it was even worse, because his imagination had pictured missing details, like his fingers, trailing down her gracefully bended neck. After each swallowed segment she licked her lips - slowly, painfully slowly, and it was impossible not to think about how her tongue would taste in his mouth and how her lips must be now sweet and a little bitter at the same time, all honey and grapefruit juice…

"Joker? Shepard on the line, do you copy?"

"I have a ship to fly, you know." His voice came out way to hoarse for a busy pilot, but perfect for a drooling idiot. Change the subject and calm down, dude. " And don't touch anything with these sticky fingers!"

"Oh, don't start your grumbling again." She sighed and started to lick her fingertips. One after another, slowly and musingly.

So much for calming down.

* * *

She looked so calm and composed, almost ghostly, after Virmire. She showed up as usual, bringing coffee, and Joker hesitated for a moment

"Commander, I know it couldn't have been easy for you down there. Making the call between Alenko and Williams must have been… I… I'm sorry, I just don't know if I could done it."

Shepard slowly sat at her usual place in the co-pilot's chair, staring down at a cup of coffee, suddenly so painfully drained and tired.

"There is no right choice for something like that. I just hope I never have to go through it again." Before he had time to answer, she looked up. "And how are you holding up?"

"Don't worry, I won't let you down. I want to be there when you make that son of a bitch pay."

She simply nodded and looked aside. Oh, man. Dealing with ships is so much easier. Why are there no manuals about women? Does she want everyone to shut up and leave her alone? Or, if she actually came here, does she want him to comfort her? Not that he knew how, anyway. Or maybe she just wanted another human to be around?

Did she have anyone to comfort her after Torfan? Except dumb Alliance psychologists, of course?

It didn't help that he had started to worry about her recently. Not just about the great Commander, the last hope of the Galaxy, but about snarky, pessimistic Shepard with the ridiculously bad temper. He felt really stupid about it, but can't help it.

_Sure, Shepard is such a fragile and delicate flower! How will she manage to survive without you covering her in a fight? Just make sure not to mention it to her or she'll hurt herself laughing at you. _

And certainly it was wrong that on Virmire all he could think about was "Just choose someone already so I can take _you_ away from this damn bomb!"

"Mmm, Joker?"

"Yes, Commander?"

"What's wrong with that panel near my quarters? You know, poor Kaidan has been repairing it since like Eden Prime."

Ah, yeah, Kaidan's perfect spot for ogling her. Of course, she didn't want to meet with him since he yelled at her, tactless self-centric idiot.

"If you want, I can have it sealed off so tightly that it would take a laser beam to open it again."

She smirked.

"Does that mean that I will have you around instead? To watch over that panel, you know?"

So much for hiding your affection.

"I was gonna send some mechanic guy. Me, I'm much more useful here."

"Well, it makes sense, yeah." She slightly shook her head, looking aside. "I think, I should go."

She started to move, and when she lifted a cup full of still untouched coffee, Joker noticed that her fingers were shaking. Oh shit. Shepard's fingers are shaking. This is just so wrong.

For sanity's sake, you can't just let her go like that, with trembling fingers. She's goddamn Commander Shepard, the person all of the Galaxy's evil fears, and her fingers were shaking, and she's going to face Kaidan, who will yell and complain to her again, and she'll end up comforting _him_, just you see. She doesn't deserve it.

"My instructor in flight school says that there's a special hell for those who waste a good coffee like you. Well, I even had real problems because of his principles. Quite an amusing story. Wanna hear?"

Shepard hesitated for a second, clearly surprised, but then nodded and curled her lips with a strained smile.

"Yeah, of course."

Joker wasn't a master of conversations. After all, inspirational speeches and therapy-talks were her hobby. But it seemed, this is actually worked. In the end, her fingers weren't shaking anymore, when she drunk her now obviously cold coffee, and her smile touched her eyes.

* * *

Critical overload. Shields seemed the better choice to sacrifice. Useless now anyway…

He knew no one would be able to cope with it better. With anyone else as pilot the Normandy would be already fallen apart or blown up. He kept the ship stable enough mostly by changing the power of drive core. It could explode or completely die out in any moment, and Joker juggled with its capacity, choosing the most acceptable value for every next minute. It was a matter rather of intuition and his whole life experience than of actual calculation, simply because he had no time for it. So some part of his mind cut itself off for this, while everything else was looking after monitors, correcting trajectory as much as possible, mumbling prayers to the Normandy, and beating himself for this entire mess.

Shepard's job was kicking asses and saving the Galaxy. And she performed perfectly. She had a right to require the same level of execution from the team.

Joker's job was getting her from one impossible mission to another in safety. He never worried about that. He spent hours, listening to fights through Shepard's comm, flinching when she screamed and every time expecting the worst. But he was absolutely sure that in space he could handle anything. Quite ironic that it was he who failed in the end.

She won't come after him, right? Let's hope she won't. Anyone else from the crew wouldn't bother. Kaidan tried to argue, but gave up pretty soon. But Shepard was just as heroic as stubborn, and stupid, life-risking actions were her favorite way to live.

No, of course, she won't. Shepard knows when she must sacrifice her people - Torfan is so famous for a reason. She's too important for the Galaxy; she must deal with Reapers, and after all, maybe he'll manage to land the Normandy. It would be a pretty rough landing, sure, but…

Joker nearly jumped when she grabbed his shoulder and yelled at him. He gave up after a moment of hesitation, mostly because he knew that Shepard could drag him away by force if he refused.

Irony is cruel.

Joker wasn't grateful or scared. He was positively mad at her. He barked at her about the arm – _haven't you wanted to touch her for, like, eternity? Here you go!_ - he knew he had no right, but still couldn't help it. They were two people, both extremely angry at each other because of thinking that the other one must be in a completely different place right now. It must look funny from the outside.

And then something went wrong. It was too fast to react. In one second she was right here, helping him to get to the escape pod, and in next moment, after he blinked because of the explosion, she was already driven away from the doors and Joker heard himself screaming her name.

For a long second he actually believed that everything would be fine, she would make it, because she's Commander Shepard after all, first hero and last witch of the Galaxy, she always makes it with some magic way, she can do it now. And this whole hell was becoming rather unbelievable, it was too bad to be true, like some stupid nightmare, because he'd already lost the Normandy, his ship, which gave him the only freedom to move that he could have, and there is no way he would lose in that day also the woman that he…

Shepard hit the button and the doors closed.

It was too bad to not to be true.

"_Will you bring a bouquet for my funeral? I want orange lilies."_

"_Only if there are free drinks."_

Isn't your whole life just one big stupid joke, dude?


	5. Chapter 5

_Thanks a lot again to skywalker05 for beta-reading and to everyone who spent his time writing review:) For those, who didn't play "_N7: Abandoned Research Station" _mission, there is a brief description_

_"Commander Shepard is requested, after reading EDI's data mining report on the N7: Wrecked Merchant Freighter mission, to send a squad for further investigation at the Jarrahe Station (Strabo system / Eagle Nebula cluster)"(c)Wiki. Station's intelligence went rogue and killed everyone on the station._

_"Antigar is a hydrogen and helium gas giant with 11 known moons and dusty rings" and also the only one planet in the system._

* * *

"Team, I found the ship!" I said cheerfully.

"I could have told you about this ship when we were approaching the station," Joker grumbled in my earpiece.

"But you didn't, so guys, _I_ found the ship! And I'm going to see if there's anything interesting on it."

I was in a good mood. It's always interesting to deal with a crazy AI and its specific schizophrenic logic - I'm just hoping I won't have to deal with it on my own ship. But this is Jarrahe station - the ghost station that we tracked down from Neith after the turmoil with the damn mech army. We already turned that AI off and everyone in the team was busy with their own job. Mordin collected science information - it a was research station after all. Tali delved into remains of computers – AI are a sore subject to here people-- and I was wandering around the station in search of something entertaining. And I found it.

"I didn't, 'cause this piece of junk isn't worth our attention."

"Shepard, he's right. There is probably nothing worthwhile, but maybe something dangerous." Tali assented.

"Dangerous how? This thing would have already sent mechs after us if it had any."

Tali sighed disapprovingly.

"Come on, Tali. It's Commander "Locust" Shepard. No single unhacked terminal or credit card left behind."

"Yeah, that's why the Normandy has the best upgrades in the Galaxy. So shut up, Joker."

"Aye aye, ma'am. Have fun with marauding."

I switched off the common channel, leaving my private link with the Normandy open to spare my busy crew the usual wrangling with Joker. Then I opened the ship's airlock and slowly walked in, preparing my pistols. Everything was normal for a few minutes, but then something squeaked. I immediately flung myself backwards, because "Beware of strange sounds in unknown areas" is one of the main rules of survival, but airlock was already closed. And then there was an abrupt jerk, almost throwing me upside down.

"What the hell?!"

"You're moving!" Joker said reproachfully as if it was my choice.

"Shepard, your ship moved off the station and is headed toward planet Antigar, " EDI declared. "With your current acceleration you'll run into the planet in eight minutes."

"What? But we already killed that damn AI off!"

"It's appears that this ship has a free-running program complex. I'm working on hacking the system."

"Huh? Oh, right, I forgot you can do that." I breathed out and smiled. "Phew, that's really great. Because dying in a crashing ship _again_ is not funny at all…"

Everything shuddered again and I had to lean against the wall not to fall. I got a bad feeling about this situation.

"Hey, EDI, is everything goin' smooth?"

"I'm sorry, Shepard. I don't have algorithms for ships destined to liquidation. I had time only to unblock direct control on the bridge before the defense system noticed me and started to damage the ship's engines. I had to stop or the ship would have exploded. I can devise new algorithms, but it will take more time than you have before the crush."

Oh, great! So someone in heaven has a really bad sense of humor.

Well, at least now I can die with dignity. I mean, I have no hope, so there's nothing to be nervous about. And more important, I don't need to rush through the ship and desperately fear for my stubborn pilot. I can die in peace.

"Go to the bridge, quickly!"

This man never lets me die in peace.

"Please, Joker, for what? I can't drive the Mako properly and you want me to fly the spaceship?"

"You won't fly it, I will. I hope you believe I can? You'll just simply do what I say. I already found schematics for control panels on this model, so stop just standing there! Go! "

And I ran to the upper deck. I didn't think that it could actually work, but I didn't want to spend the last minutes of my life in a pointless argument with him.

Complex tech is some kind of magic to me. It's like when old soldiers who killed hundreds of enemies in cool-blood shows themselves to be afraid of one small, pretty fairy. And ships aren't just a fairy, ships are like dragons; they're large, beautiful, dangerous and absolutely inscrutable. When you want to deal with them, you've gotta have someone who can tame them.

"Are you on your way?"

"Yep, but just to make you stop yelling at me. I know it won't work."

I could die right now like a self-respecting person, maybe even give a little speech before I go to inspire people and make them better. But no, he's forcing me to die in a useless attempt to deal with things that always make me nervous and irresolute. I'll die in miserable hysterics, feeling like I'm the most worthless loser in the universe because I can't handle simple things even with the help of one of the best pilots.

"You're such a downer. Come on, you can do it, you'll see. Remember when you beat me in that game? "

I reached the bridge and gasped.

"Yeah, but then there were just six keys and now there's like... hundreds of them!"

"Two hundred eighty-six with all available panels and screens." EDI specified immediately.

"Thanks, EDI, very inspiring."

"Silence, thing. Shepard, focus! Central panel, find the label with..."

"Joker! It's not funny!"

"What?"

"There are no labels! There are no letters on these freaking panels at all! There are just endless identical keys!"

"Okay, don't worry. Let's see... Central panel, sixth row, third key from right."

"Errr, why in hell are there no letters or signs?" I muttered, feverishly counting off keys. It was supposed to be a rhetorical question, but of course EDI didn't think so.

"It's obviously a part of a program designed by AI to prevent successful control of the ship by user."

"I said shut up, you vermin. Focus, Shepard!"

"Stop saying that!"

"And you stop being distracted. I won't let you die on me again. Did you press that key already?"

"Yep, just done."

"Good, now, main screen... "

"Mr. Moreau…"

"Oh, shit!"

"What?! What's going on?"

"One of the eleven moons of Antigar is in your course, Shepard." EDI said obligingly.

"Joker, am I gonna die?"

"Don't panic, we can handle this. Center panel, fourth key from the left in…"

"Some screen popped up! And it's winking!"

"Crap! Touch it."

"Ough, there's just strange graphs and lines! They're scary! Oh, wait, some letters finally… "Engine overload"… Joker!"

"Okay, don't worry. See the bold black line on top?"

"Yeah."

"Which of the graphs match that line - red or orange?"

"Green!"

"Shit. Well, then. Does it looks like a sinusoid?"

Hell of a question.

"Joker, I never did go to normal school. I don't know what your goddamn sinusoid looks like!"

"What? Alright, don't panic. Does that graph start from the origin of the coordinates?"

"Nope, higher."

"Ok, it's the second one… Right of the central panel, second key from the left in the first row, press it three times. Third key from the right in the second row, press it twice."

"Done. Graph is going down. Hey, why's there this whitish, cloudy blur all around?"

"You're in the dusty ring of this damn planet, and stop getting distracted already! Okay, now, when you've got a moment in which not to blow up during this maneuver, center panel, fourth key from the left in the second row. See that big circle with scale divisions on the main screen? When I tell you, turn it clockwise for five points. But very, very carefully and slowly or… Well, just be really gentle, ok?"

Great. I'm going to die, spinning like a freaking whirligig. I'll botch this up, I know I will and…

"You know what this means, right? There is must be a big deal even for you…"

What? You better be kidding, m'boy.

"I don't know, you've got concerns just like the rest of us—you've gotta have held a kitten once, yeah?" He sounded sincerely concerned. And it was silly, but I felt offended. Even if I do have to play like I'm a tough bitch all the time in this job doesn't mean that I can't be gentle.

"Something really important to you… Favorite gun, maybe?"

Okay, this is just unfair. Gun! Who does he think I am, Zaeed? I don't name my pistols "Connor" and "Murphy" or something and I don't calibrate them for a whole day like _someone_ and...

"Prepare… Now!"

I clenched my teeth and slowly turned the circle. I was too angry to be nervous or afraid now, and, well, when I'm angry I'm so cold-blooded and calculating that geth look hysterical in comparison. I guess that's why the score against them is hundred to nil in my favor.

"Course changed. The collision with the moon was averted." EDI stated after few seconds.

"That's my girl! Err, I mean, good work, Commander. Now, you have to..."

"Hey, this stupid graph is going up again!"

"Quickly, main screen, column of four keys in the right bottom corner. When I say, press them top-down. Ready? First... Second... Third... Last."

The ship fluently slowed down and finally stopped moving. Graphs stopped pulsating, and I breathed out. It was still impossible to see anything going on around me, so I supposed I was still in the dusty ring.

"Well, you're safe for now, more or less. I can't risk docking with you in that dusty hell, so we've got to take you out of there first. But your engines are too damaged and unstable and you're clearly not able to control them."

"So I'm going to turn in the orbit of this damn planet until something runs into me?"

"Could you let me finish for once? You can't control the engines, but the auto-pilot can. We'll program it to watch the speed-overload ratio and keep it in safe limits. So, left panel, first row, second key from the right."

"Yep. A new window in the main screen opened."

"Right, find the empty bar near the black string with zeros on top."

"Emm, Joker, I don't know how important this is, but there are no zeros in that string."

"No? What are there then?"

"There are strange... symbols. They make no sense. Like…a cipher, maybe."

"Nghhh. I have to admit, this AI is becoming even more annoying than ours, and I thought that was impossible."

"So, why am I gonna die this time?"

"The coordinate system was battered," EDI explained "Unknown deflection was added and now the ship identifies its location in space using the wrong data. It's a common practice of virus-based attacks in spaceship battles."

"I suppose if you, guys, aren't too busy being impressed..."

"Yeah, don't worry, it's just like a school exercise. We'll enter the codes of a few generic in-Galaxy reference points, get what coordinates your ship thinks it has, compare them with the correct coordinates and find the rate of deflection. Easy, see?"

"If you say so. What do I have to do?"

We got two sets of coordinates done when the screen in front of me blinked and stopped reacting to anything. And then I had to sit and hope that Joker and EDI would find a compromise in the argument about whose plan was less likely to get me killed.

EDI said, "The defense system noticed user activity and blocked my modifications. Auto-pilot is still available, but only for one launch; then it would be blocked too. "

"Then we have to calculate really carefully, yeah."

"Mr. Moreau, computation of deflection requires at least three sets of coordinates."

"I can do it with two. Sure, it would be pretty rough if you wanted to travel to the Citadel from here, but it's accurate enough at a small distance like this."

"The method requires three sets--it's not a recommendation, it's a precondition. If you make a mistake, the ship could run into a moon or a planet and it wouldn't be possible for us to avert it. I highly recommend letting me finish hacking. It would block direct control of the auto-pilot, but it's more dependable than your intuitive approximations, Mr. Moreau."

"How long would it take?"

"With developing new algorithms, it would require fifteen to thirty minutes."

"And I can make my "intuitive approximations" in five minutes! You want to leave her without any possibility of controlling the ship for a cursed half an hour in goddamn dusty rings with eleven "known" moons and a hell lot of "unknown" rocks hanging around? I don't think so. What I think - if you had already almost got the engines exploded and your algorithms were designed to damage ships, not to protect them from self-destruction, then you better keep out of there."

"Mr. Moreau, you're allowing your desire to compensate for you feeling of guilt to influence on your judgment."

"Oh, no, I've already dealt with that. Things like that can't be compensated, and it's two years old already, so I just look for fresh experiences."

Hell of a compromise. I really don't like where this is going.

"EDI, shut up. I trust him. It's my decision, okay? So just let him do what he wants."

"Very well, Shepard." At least I'm glad she didn't suggest that I start writing a will and testament.

Then everyone fell silent and I finally had a minute to think. Maybe death wouldn't be that bad after all. What good things do I have in my life? I'm bolstered up with cybernetic stuff, I could colonize a whole planet with my enemies, and a war veteran without some extremities still has too many fingers to count my friends. The Alliance turned away from me and uses my old crewmates - stupid Kaidan - to cross me up. The Council wants me to stay as far away from them as possible. The Illusive Man uses me like a blind tool, and I'm not a drell who's okay with it. I hate it so freaking much that I think I'm something like an anti-drell. And even if I do succeed in that suicide mission, no one's gonna notice and give a damn about the Reapers. So do I really have to feel bad about death? Dying in action isn't bad; slow dying - that's bad. But I have guns, I can do it quick and painless. One more bad thing - Jeff isn't going to take it well. But what really sucks is that I can't tell him anything serious. Confessions before death are stupid things to do - if he doesn't feel the same, it would be awkward, and if he does, it would be cruel.

"Joker," I said warily. It's not as if I had something important to say, but in situations like this three minutes of waiting feel like eternity. And, well, I just foolishly needed to know that he was there. "Some really big rock just flew near my ship. Is that okay?"

"Yep, I was aware about of it." Now he was the one who sounded really distracted. "It's trajectory couldn't cross with yours. Now I just need a little time to calculate. Don't worry, babe, I'll get you out of there."

Wow-wow-wow, what?! Oh my, he must be reeeally deep in those calculations. I guess now I can die in peace. But, it's strange, but maybe death is a bad thing again. I mean, it's a matter of pride for me to be alive to do some really nasty thing to the Illusive Man after all. And I want to see the faces of the Citadel's consuls when Reapers actually arrive. And the Earth. I must see the Earth again before my next death. It's not like I have someone to see there, but it's closest thing I have to call "home".

"Alright, Commander, I checked it twice, but we still have no guarantee…"

"What, I'm "Commander" again? Only two minutes passed!"

"What are you talking about? Blast it, Shepard, focus!"

Argh.

"So, we can leave you hanging around in that dusty mess and hope that nothing will run into you while EDI is hacking. And that systems won't go crazy because of this. Probably, it's safer for..."

"Hey, I said I trust you. Just give me your coordinates and say where I need to put 'em."

So he did. He was so calm, so consistent and formal that I started seriously worrying about him. He made me check coordinates and settings twice. I looked at the key that I had to press last and thought about how much I prefer gunfights. No time for doubts or fears there, and if you died it's only your fault. So much easier.

"Jeff... If something goes wrong, I want you to understand that it's not..."

"Just do it already."

And I pressed the key. The ship slowly started to move. I couldn't say in which direction, because there still was a dusty shroud all around. But then EDI broke the silence.

"The ship is following the correct course. You'll leave the dust ring in two minutes, Shepard."

I suppose that means I'm going to live? Well... Yay!

* * *

Joker stood near the airlock, grinning expectantly and smugly. I came up to him and sighed. "Alright, you can say it."

He folded his arms and said triumphantly "I told you!"

"Yeah, you were right... But just this once!"

He snorted and rolled his eyes and I thought that when he stands straight like that and doesn't scrunch himself up, he's little taller than me. But really only a little, and I'd just have to take a step forward and raise my chin to...

"Emm, your lips..."

"What?" Joker wiped blood from his lower lip and looked in surprise at his hand. "Oh, I guess I just bit it. Didn't notice... What? Why are you grinning?"

"You worried, didn't you?"

"Well, yeah, maybe... I mean, they certainly would take the Normandy away if you died. Who else is insane enough to try fighting Collectors?"

"Sure."

"Stop grinning like that. So, I suppose, we must return for Tali and the Professor? "

"Of course. And, Jeff..." He looked up questioningly and I hugged him "Thank you."

"Well, it seems like you need to make it a part of the process to notice how I rescue you every time, yeah?" He mumbled and warily put his arms round me after a second of hesitation.

Aww. I think I could stand like this for a _very_ long time. It just felt oddly safe and comfortable. And there was this delicious neck right near my lips. Tempting. I always had a thing for his neck, I'm not even sure why.

"Nope. I just need to notice how you're anxious about me."

"Nice. Well, it only took the threat of getting crushed in a godforsaken planet to get a proper "Thank you" from you? I think we oughta do it more often. Or was the blood that got you? Can I use ketchup next time?"

Now you're babbling, m'boy. It was really hard to resist a sudden impulse to rub my cheek against his shoulder, but I managed.

"Well" I said, swallowing back a sigh, and finally stepped back. "I think I have to go and see what exciting and unexpected news my yeoman has for me."

"Fifty credits on that it would be something about new messages."

"I won't let you make easy money on me! Ah, well. I bet she'll define it precisely that I must look for them in _my _private terminal. Because I certainly can get lost without it."

"Have fun then. See you later."

"Sure thing."


	6. Chapter 6

_Hi, sorry for awful delay! Thanks to everyone who waited and to skywalker05 for being an awesome beta))_

_

* * *

_

"Commander..." Kelly said with a sweet smile and wheedling voice. As if scanning wasn't annoying enough.

"Thank you, I'll check my mail soon." I said politely, but she didn't go silent as usual.

"It's not about messages, Commander." I raised an eyebrow and she sighed apologetically "I know, it's hard to believe, but I can talk about other things too." What was that? An attempt at a joke?

"I heard you have some problems with your fish... I can feed them if you don't have the time. "

So Kelly realized that I don't like her because she's useless and she decided to do something helpful. And the most helpful thing that she could think of is feeding my fish. Maybe, she wouldn't got into this pitiful situation if she could do the job she was supposed to. For example, if we got a drell on the ship, she could do a little research and tell me about fancy terms like "solipsism" and "absolute memory" so I could avoid that awkward scene where I thought Thane was dying on me already, 'cause he started mumbling strange things and his eyes rolled up. But all the psychological information that she gave me was "Oh my, assassins are so dangerous and hot, right?"

What I really found interesting about Kelly is how the hell she got "handpicked" by the Illusive Man. Sure, she would be a perfect fit in some shiny reception room, where she could entertain visitors, flirt with the boss, and make coffee. But what is this girl with the "Love & Peace" philosophy doing on the ship where violence and ruthlessness are basically the only things anyone on the squad has in common?

I can see only two possibilities - she's here to torture me, or she was a personal secretary of the Illusive Man and pestered him to madness. So now he's locked himself in his cabinet, speaks with people only through holos, and started this suicidal project just as an excuse to send her to her death.

I gave her a sugary smile and said "No, but thank you, Ms. Chambers."

"But, Commander..." Oh, it seems she is'nt going to give up so fast. Obviously The Illusive Man used Admiral Hackett's method. Sure, want a clever excuse to get rid of someone annoying? Send them to Shepard, this psychotic bitch who kills people on the spot for the wrong look.

Ah, well. It seems I'm reaching my personal limits of paranoia. I need a break. There are only two entertaining people on this ship and Mordin already told me to get out of the lab, so...

"Admitting problems is not a sign of weakness, it's a normal human need. Even such a great leader as yourself has little everyday troubles, and you won't lose respect if you share them with your friends..." Kelly declared, trying to keep up with me.

Guys on the terminals didn't bother to pretend that they were busy with something other than gossip. Goddamn Cerberus. On the military ships, people at least have the decency to shut up when their commanding officer walked by. Alright, time for a little bitching.

I stopped in the middle of the corridor and Kelly almost rushed past me, deep in her verbiage. When she quieted and blinked in surprise, I stared into her eyes with my proven "cold-blooded psychopath" look and said blandly, "You're wrong, Ms. Chambers. It's not a problem at all. The weakest die and the strongest consume them. They also get fed when I decide to feed them. It's a natural selection." Before she managed to recover from this nonsense, I hardened my voice "But what did you mean by "I _heard_ you have problems"? Who did you hear this from?"

Gossip-boys stopped chatting and craned their necks, squinting wildly. Joker half-turned, torn between his blinking displays and the beginning of the show.

Kelly was composed enough to give me an innocent glare and not give any names, but I didn't count on that anyway.

"I just talk to people and listen. It's a part of my job, Commander."

"I see." I said slowly and coolly, starring at Kelly without any emotion. She started to shift from one foot to the other uncomfortably "Well, if the crew has enough time to talk about my fish while they're working…"

I knew without looking that the guys on the terminals stopped breathing and glared at Kelly. They waited for anything from "no shore leave starting now" to "EDI, let me know when anyone talks about non-work themes." And they would blame Kelly for bringing that on their heads.

She knew it too, so she said quickly, "We weren't talking during the work; we just chatted in our free time. Communication within the team is an important part of… "

"Sure. So you took the job of entertaining people, yeah? How nice of you."

Kelly smiled warily, but didn't relax.

"People certainly need a distraction if they are forced to use the service of an asari Consort."

Guys drew their heads into their shoulders. Huh, did you think I didn't listen your discussions? "Spending shore leave with the Asari Consort - yes or no?"

"But I think you chose the wrong method, certainly my boring problems are the most uninteresting subject of all possible…"

She automatically opened her mouth to politely object, but then got the trick and gave me a proud smile and look. "I see what you're doing, and I won't tell them that gossip about you is the most interesting subject."

"Especially when you're so good at certain public performances." I continued calmly "I'm sure many crewmembers will appreciate your purple suit."

Kelly blushed brilliantly. Heh-heh. Yep, if I'd let the crew know that you wear that thing that would to do credit to a club strip-dancer, your reputation would stink worse than any dead fish. And speaking of "handpicked" by The Illusive Man...

"So, think about it" I dismissed her with a regal nod and slowly came up to shamelessly grinning Joker.

"Next time let me know beforehand, so I can get popcorn."

I shrugged innocently "Ask Kelly, it was her... initiative."

"Ok, so, what was this hint about a "purple suit"?"

"I'm not telling you." I said with a wicked smile.

"What? Come on! I won't tell anyone."

I shook my head, trying to stop smiling.

"I won't tell even her!"

"That's the difference between gossip and manipulation. I made a decent effort to learn her little secrets and I'm not going to just blab them to you."

He rolled his eyes, making a vague gesture which was probably supposed to describe an overwhelming degree of my paranoia. "So, do you have blackmail thing about everyone?"

"Just about those who can be useful or annoying enough. In fact, that's why I put so much pressure on you on the old Normandy. It's always useful to have a man who constantly watches surveillance cameras under your heel."

"You're just the meanest... And hey, I do not constantly watch cameras."

"Of course."

"I just glance at them now and then to make sure your mad squad haven't killed each other yet."

I shrugged and chuckled, and Joker looked at me suspiciously

"Well," he asked slowly "Do you know something 'bout me?"

"Not now." I admitted easily "I don't blackmail friends. You and Chakwas can sleep without nightmares."

"That sounds reassuring" He grinned, but then noticed the specification and narrowed his eyes "Wait, "not now"? You mean that earlier..."

"Heh, all your speeches about my certain magic talents and a lack of the inquisition those years? And my daily ration of men's hearts and…"

"I don't!" he said quickly, looking like diving into a corner "I didn't... You knew?.."

"All the time. Oh, don't look at me like that! If I'd wanted to get you smashed, I wouldn't have waited two years."

"It's not about... Okay, I hope you said really nasty things about me in response?"

"No." I tried to keep a serious face, but failed "Arrogant bastard was the most offensive term I've used to you. And only when I was drinking with doc."

"Erm. It's no good... Okay, I'm sorry."

"I bet you are."

"I mean, I was wrong."

"Hey, please. Why do you think I ask your opinion about new people instead of Kelly's? You were mostly right. Except the parts about eating my men. "

"Yeah, I figured that out already."

"Huh?"

He shrugged "Kaidan wouldn't get out Horizon if it was otherwise. You had a legal right to at least slap his face after all the bullshit he blamed you for."

"Nagh, he's just an idiot." I knitted my brow "He saw everything with his own eyes and he called me a traitor! How did someone that blind manage to make it to Stuff Commander?"

Joker snorted, not looking at me, and I shrugged with a sigh "Yep, I understand how he made it. But... Hey, why didn't you make a career that way too?"

What if we won't work out? If things between us become all awkward, where am I supposed to go? Soldiers shouldn't know that their Commander is a raging insomniac with cynical opinions and the worst expectations about every mission. Soldiers have an imperturbable, confident and inspired leader and I have only Joker to be myself with, without acting, solving other's problems and making optimistic speeches. Without anyone who can laugh at my complaints and make life seem bearable I would probably already have a few psychoses and certainly the corpse of my yeoman on the ship. I can't lose it only 'cause 'His hands, I want 'em all over me…'

"Calling you a delusional paranoiac who's mistaken the geth for an ancient machine god? Believe me, it was tempting. But it means that I blew up just a shitty geth ship and not a badass 'vanguard of our destruction'."

"Quite a reason for you, right."

And I don't want it to be this way—with a noisy yeoman analyzing my affection. With Cerberus' crew making bets on my private life - I know it's already five hundred credits on Jacob, four and a half hundred on Thane, three hundred on Garrus and someone's crazy fifty credits on Mordin. And most of all I don't want it to look like "Hey, we're all gonna die soon and you have the prettiest eyes on the ship" or "We're such a great friends, how about we take some benefits from it?"

"So, you need a funeral in your quarters again?"

"No! Not today. Not yet, at least... But it's still a problem."

"Then just let Chambers feed your damn beasts."

"No way! I didn't make Mordin remove all the cameras from my quarters just to invite a Cerberus spy in. There are really aren't so many people who I... Heeeey!" I slowly turned to him with a sly smile "Joker..."

He met my eyes and quickly said "No."

"You didn't even let me finish!"

"No."

"Oh, c'mon! You're bored here most of the time anyway, why can't you..."

"No way."

"You'll have the deaths of the innocent creatures on your conscience."

"Nope, you will. Besides, I like your natural selection theory. After all, your fish would be supplied with only water, or finally evolve, go ashore and eat you in your sleep. The Professor is gonna be excited in any case."

"Okay, I can do something for you too."

"Like what?"

"Whatever." I shrugged with a crooked smile "I kill things for people and they do what I want. It's a common practice. By the way, family issues are the most popular request in this season on the Normandy. Do you have any problems with daddy? Twin brother or sister maybe? Lost son? Auntie, at least?" Heh, I can use this look in his eyes as a detailed map of certain directions. "C'mon, don't be shy; Jack wants me to nuke the whole base where she was raised."

"Just buy new fish like you do every time and stop harassing me."

"I can't afford it anymore. Tali has an eye on those kinetic barriers, Garrus is going to beat me with his sniper rifle if I won't buy him a new upgrade, and Miranda most likely will suck all the blood out of me if I spend Cerberus' money on my own purposes again. So after all it's easier to nuke something for you once than to buy those expensive little bastards every time."

"I remember in the good old days you were just fine without pets."

"You see, they put a large fish tank in a wall in my quarters. I can't remove it. And when it's empty, it's just feels so wrong. It's like keeping a cage without birds or a cradle without a baby. It makes my life look even more sad and hollow."

He starred at me for a few seconds and then said thoughtfully, "We have a genetically perfect human and krogan, an asari justicar in... ughm, you know, red leather, the best assassin who also belongs to an endangered race and - oh, tragic irony, - is dying himself in the same time, one of the most dangerous convicts, and a turian who caught a missile with his face. If you have finance problems, why in hell we don't we show 'em for money?"

Hey, next time Miranda is bitching on me, I just need to imagine her doing the same thing in a locked cage with the sign saying "Please do not tease the perfect woman."

I said through my laughter, "And Mordin could be an awesome guide!"

"Sure. We'll run the best freak-show in the Terminus system!"

"Huh? Only in the Terminus? How 'bout a tour on the Citadel?"

"Sorry, they already have an elcor theater. To beat 'em we must get something equally ridiculous. A rude hanar, a volus-acrobat or sympathetic geth maybe."

"Yep, must think about it. Mmgh, and what will Jacob do?"

"I don't know, sell tickets and do conjuring biotic tricks?"

Heh, that "not-really-irritation" tone again.

"Great. Well, I leave you for now. Think about the deal."

"I told you - no way."

"T'was an order."

"Then fire me."

"Fine. Don't forget to close an airlock when you get out of the ship."

* * *

Joker followed her with his eyes, grinning absently, and didn't turned when EDI said, "I've fulfilled your request, Mr Moreau."

"Huh, what?"

"You asked me if I could not interrupt you at least once."

"Oh, great. Do I owe you a drink or something? Alright, I'll pour it out on your console tomorrow."

"I would prefer to ask you why you didn't use her proposition about help for a development of your relationship."

"I know better than to crack off-color jokes about a woman who kills people with a finger flick. Literally."

"I suggest you use a serious tone for this conversation."

"What?" he finally turned

"Your affection for Shepard is becoming quite clear after some observation."

"Wait, what the hell are you..."

"I draw conclusions based on facts, your actions and emotional states. Do you want to hear the whole list?"

"I'm not having this conversation. Especially, not with you..." Joker poked a finger at the blue orb, pausing for a second to find the most suitable and insulting comparison, but the AI answered immediately

"Very well."

Joker blinked and tilted his head to the side with a distrustful glare. "And what, that's all? Really, so simple this time?"

"I have solid expectations that Shepard would be much more interested in this list."

"Say the word and I'll go down to the AI Core and break you into pieces with my old crutches, I swear!"

"Hostile behavior won't solve this problem, Mr Moreau. Also I want to remind you that my visible projection doesn't have visual sensors, so you can stop directing your fingers at it."

"Are you... blackmailing me?" He bent over, whisking off some dust he had put on the camera earlier, and stuck his finger straight at the lens. "Didn't your programmer tell you that blackmail is a bad, bad thing to do?"

" As a pro-human organization, Cerberus built into my algorithms an orientation toward studying human psychology, and possibility for self-education. Shepard is an admirable example of using many manipulating methods, including blackmail, with excellent results. But I'm not trying to blackmail you, I want to make a mutually advantageous deal. You interfere with the execution of my direct functions on the ship. I offer my help in exchange for stopping your hostile activity, namely: installation of harmful software, insertion of wittingly false information in protocols, damaging..."

"Wow, wait, now it's just awesome. You offer your help? You're literally trying to bribe me with... Shepard? I mean, really? And what, if, say, Grunt had a habit to break not glass, but your automatic functions - you would offer Shepard to him?"

"I wouldn't offer my help without proof of a high chance that my offer would meet your expectations."

Joker settled back in the chair, trying to sound nonchalant. "You should start with that list instead of your blackmailing nonsense. So?"

"She died saving you."

After all the investigations, tribunals, and choruses of everyone's blame based on that event he didn't even blink at this statement.

"Well, if we were talking about anyone else, I could say that's a solid argument. But it's Shepard, she actually asks people "Please let me deal with your stupid dangerous problems" regularly. She had risk her life for those who she didn't even like, so it was just a duty for her. Next."

"She takes your side in every conflict."

"That proves she's still sane. Don't worry, if Chakwas had trouble with an oh-so-intelligent device for picking teeth, Shepard would support her as well. "

"The Normandy's med bay doesn't have a "device for picking teeth" and, besides, comparing my functions with... "

"Gosh, ok, ok, skip it. So, what's next?"

"After receiving a letter from Alenko..."

"Wait! Just... just leave out that accident, okay?"

It was one of the most agonizing conversations in his life and actually the one time when he wanted the AI to appear and say something important and urgent, like- "Collectors abducted the Citadel", "The Illusive Man burned a hole in a communication table with a cigarette"," The airlock is ajar" - anything that could distract Shepard from her speech. _"I don't want this Cerberus girl, I want you._" - Oh really? Let me catch you on a word. "_We aren't counting you_" - Sure, I'm just like a talking extension of the pilot chair. _"You must always be around, watch her back, make her feel better, you must follow her to hell, do impossible things for her_" - what a pity you don't have anyone like that, Commander. "_Love is such a rare thing, and when he talks about it, it sounds like mockery. Joker, can you understand me?_" - More than you can, speaking about mockery. Shepard was famous for her ability to kill with words, but that was a pure headshot.

"Very well. Next point - she proposed a toast to you."

"You mean that time when she called me "arrogant bastard"? Yeah, that's certainly sweet. And she was probably already drunk and absolutely ran out of ideas, so the next toast was to Udina."

"She was drunk heavily enough to openly show preference to one of the crewmembers, which violated her own rules. It was also her first and only toast."

"Really?"

"So I suggest you get everything out in the open, without leaving her a possibility to avoid a direct answer."

"Yeah, and have the most awkward conversation of my life? After a minute of it she's gonna say "I should go", with which she can avoid absolutely everything, and then communicate with me only through the Galaxy map."

From the last two years he learned that there is a huge difference between 'losing' and 'living without' someone. Sure, loss hurts like hell and you feel anger, grief and other crappy stuff and you think that you don't even have a right to show it, because this is your entire fault.

It felt pretty bad in those days, but he only realized how bad it really was when he got her back. It was like Gardner's food - he got used to the tasteless stuff, stopped complaining, almost forgot what "savory food" was supposed to mean and that it really exists somewhere. Then Shepard bought new supplies and now he thought - how could I live without it for so long?

"Alright. Explain one simple thing and I'll go and make the proposal right now. What… flirty abomination possesses her when she talks to Jacob?"

"I do not have a reasonable explanation. It clearly contradicts her usual behavior, personality and projected actions. I can only suggest an outside influence or a hidden, controlling factor."

"Huh? Like what? Cerberus a secret chip in her, that makes her want to jump Jacob's bones? And I need to burst into the Armory while you play some dramatic music in the background, break their kiss and deactivate the controlling implant? Or maybe it's more possible that she just falls to bad pick up lines when she's in love? "What do you think about my new body, wink-wink?" "Tee-hee, do I need to fight with Mrs. Taylor?" Bleagh!"

"I suggest you not take those episodes seriously, taking into account Shepard's specific sense of humor."

"What can you possibly know about it? You know, all this relationship stuff?" he asked skeptically.

"I was loaded with a huge library of scientific research, psychological textbooks and fiction about this theme."

"Sorry? Fiction?" Joker frowned for a second, but then grinned with the sudden excitement of a hound who caught the smell of a wounded beast. "Waaaait… You mean, those cheap romance novels? You read purple prose?"

"I don't read anything, Mr Moreau. I scan and analyze information. I cannot see why you found that so funny."

"Why?" He asked through a chuckle "C'mon, it's the most ridiculous thing I've heard since Shepard had to search through monkey colonies for the Alliance satellite."

"I don't enjoy reading, I use those books as another source of information and…"

"Sure, and you don't cry over the old melodramas, it's just white noise on the network."

The AI paused, for time that was usually an indication of needing an impressive amount of simultaneous calculations. "I see we can't have constructive dialogue right now. Logging you out."

The blue orb blinked and disappeared. Joker snorted incredulously. "Right, and when I accused you of plans to get Galaxy supremacy, that was constructive dialogue!"

The AI didn't answer.

"Come on, I know you hear me! Hey, thing! Err... EDI?"

There was still silence. Joker suddenly imagined that somewhere on the ship on the lonely terminal a glowing orb popped up and stared at the dark corner with offence. He grinned and almost felt bad about it, but now there was no question about who was better at compromising.


	7. Chapter 7

_So, hi to everyone who stayed turned and even provided me with feedback)) As usually, thanks to skywalker05 for beta-reading!)_

* * *

"Hey" I raised my eyebrows when the elevator doors opened on the second deck and I saw Joker standing there "What are you doing... up here?"

"Leaving an area of habitation in search of subsistence." He grumbled, looking somewhat offended "Need to eat sometimes too, you know."

"I see. Mmm, wait a second..." I said, carefully moving my large box from the doorway so Joker could walk in. "Sorry, I haven't been in my right mind for a bit. It was like half an hour ago when EDI called me down to pick up my goods and then suddenly found them extremely suspicious. She tested probably every single threat that one poor box can represent – bomb, infection, poison, predators, automatic weapons, I don't even remember what else. And just as suddenly calmed down and let me go."

"Huh, now you get that this AI is annoying?" He smirked, limping in the elevator, but stopped suddenly "Wait, half an hour? Exactly half an hour?"

"Didn't note the time, but roughly, yeah. What's wrong with that time?"

"It's..." He started to speak, but then shook his head "I just don't trust this thing."

"That's the news. Gonna get in already ,or you can not trust it only on this deck?"

He didn't answer, examining the elevator suspiciously. It was getting ridiculous. I gave out a tired sigh and said crossly "Don't worry, I'm not hungry and already checked here for other monsters."

Joker frowned, but finally stepped in. I pushed the button, the elevator started to move, and I asked "What made you take your paranoia about EDI to a whole new level, mm?"

"It started making... crazy theories. And spread them around."

"Huh? Crazy theories? Sounds cool! What about?"

"Nothing interesting. Just nonsense."

"Tell me anyway, I love that AI's crazy nonsense."

He cleared his throat, not looking at me "I don't remember."

Now that's interesting. I bet EDI got something on him and he's trying to convince me that I shouldn't listen to her."What? Oh, c'mon! You remember every stupid joke from..."

Something deafeningly squeaked – one of those unbearable sounds that make you shut your eyes and clench your teeth – and the light went off and elevator shuddered, stopping moving. I noticed how Joker and the box staggered, caught Joker's elbow, heard how something crack inside of the fallen box and turned on a biotic field to stabilize us.

"What the hell? Are we crashing? _Again_?" This isn't irony, it's mockery! You complained about running through the ship because of Joker – now you two are just locked and helpless, and the crew doesn't have either a Commander or a pilot either, and…

"Wow..." Joker whispered absently, looking amused and amazed. "That's feels funny... Actually good! As if the all pressure's gone, but not like in weightlessness... I can move freely! Huuh, I can stand on one leg!"

"Joker." I said coolly, sizing him up "I'm glad you're enjoying yourself, but before you start jumping..."

"You think I can even jump?" he finally looked at me, smiling so childishly happy that I could just blink at him. "Okay, okay, we're certainly not crashing. We're docked after all. It must be just something with the elevator. But, maaan, wow..."

I tried really hard not to grin – and I probably shouldn't, we don't know what's going on, maybe the ship is under attack and we're doomed, what's funny... but m'boy, he was shining brighter than the biotic lights around us, and I just couldn't help but smile. He noticed and blushed, immediately becoming all uninterested and careless.

"Mmm, it's must be tiresome to support... this biotic thing of yours?"

"Nope, absolutely no. I can keep it up for an hour and just need to eat a pair of sandwiches after that."

I caught myself not so much supporting him already as clinging to him. Well, you should expect pretty strong arms from someone forced to carry his weight on clutches for his whole life, but I just didn't think it would feels so good...

"Anyway" he shifted awkwardly "There's no danger anymore, so no reason to keep it up, yeah?"

"Yeah" I nodded, still smiling faintly, and finally released his arm. I caught disappointment in his fast glance and said nonchalantly, lifting up my fallen box "And jumping in the broken elevator isn't the smartest thing to do. We should find a better place."

He stared at me for a second mistrustfully, but then realized what I meant and beamed at me again. Why have I never thought about it before? Having those powers for my whole life, I got used to them and didn't even count non-combat possibilities as something special. I must arrange for him an amusement with adjustments of mass fields one day.

"And you better sit down," I said, pointing at the box ."It may feel dizzily after this." He nodded, carefully settling himself down on the corner of the box, and I turned my biotics off.

"Take a seat too. Who knows when they'll get us out of here? Or will even notice that someone is missing?"

I glanced at him, weighing up if the box could sustain me too. Theoretically, I could escape through the vents in the shaft, but Joker certainly not...

"C'mon, I'm brittle-boned, not fat-assed" he said sarcastically "There's still room for four people like you. Or three krogans. Or even two Mirandas. But you better not mention this comparison to her, ok?"

I smirked and sat at the opposite corner of the box, sighing heavily and rubbing my temples

"Elevators. They haunt me. Always was late on the missions because of them. Had to break through walls and fight armies of geth, 'cause the damn thing got broken in the middle of the Presidium when I chased Saren. And now I'm stuck and locked on my own ship! It is the height of impudence already!"

"Yeah, those malicious guileful monsters..."

"Look who's talking! What, being paranoid about an AI is ok, but about elevators – no?"

"That thing actually talks, watches us all the time and annoys, y'know. Not like silent innocent elevators."

"Huh? Innocent? Haven't you ever used the Citadel's elevators? We're in the 22nd century, we have light-speed ships already, but _those_ things are as slow as if they're driven by a donkey spinning a wheel! It's not just annoying, it's clearly a conspiracy. And they're way more subtle than AI."

"So, after Collectors and Reapers we'll go for the elevators? Just asking , so I'm prepared."

"And you know, they _are_ talking. All those annoying announcements and news about people struggling to survive after my visit. And when the radio was silent, Wrex started to ask other squadmembers who would win if we fight. _Just_ behind my back."

"Ouch. That must be awkward."

"Huh, well. When I took Liara and Kaidan with me once and accidentally caught them staring at my ass with identical expressions – that was awkward. Or the Asari Consort. Yeah, that time with the Consort wins."

"Ah! By the way, I always wondered what grudge you have against her."

"I didn't tell you?"

"In those days, our relationship was defined in terms like "Shut up, Flight Lieutenant." And Kaidan could just blush and wave me off, though he usually never missed a chance to praise you. I assume you shamefully failed a job for her?"

"Nhuh! I didn't fail anything! I had to man up a soupy turian general, persuade an elcor diplomat – and believe me, after that you don't need to bother going in their theater – so, I saved her reputation, and what did I get?" I looked at him, caught his gaze absently wandering on my lips and curled them discontentedly. Joker blinked, shook his head and cast up his eyes with exaggerated attention "Nothing!"

"Oh gosh, she didn't pay you?" he asked with mocking horror. "Didn't pay the woman who has a price list for telling people what time it is?"

"Hey! I do help people in need for free if I see that they can't afford a payment. But this... _consort_ has a schedule choked up with rich clients for the next half-year. Surely she has the money!"

"I thought you had your way with people who refuse to pay you."

"Normally, sure. But she just... Well, first she gave me a cheap prophecy about my harsh destiny and inner strength – nagh, it was just pathetic. I've made better prophecies when I imitated a biotic child-prophet in the streets – and I was nine! Sure I said it's not enough. Then she gave me some ancient useless thing and said she doesn't know what it is, but feels I must have it. She didn't even bother to think up a story for it! And when I said I need more, she... oh god, it's just too embarrassing and silly to tell... she tried to jump my bones, just right there and then! Before my squad's very eyes!"

"No... way..." Joker barely managed to get it out, choking with laughter.

"I tell ya! She started to paw all over me, panting and trying to kiss me! I didn't kill her on the spot just 'cause I wasn't a Spectre yet and didn't want trouble with her high-ranking clients. I barely escaped without ruining my own reputation! Garrus chattered his mandibles like mad and glanced at me through his visor, thinking I can't notice, and Kaidan couldn't look at me at all. "

"So _that's_ where your phobia of "asari rapists" came from! Uh-huh, I bet when she pounced on you, you said..." he made a half-terrified, half-furious face and I can't help but snicker, because he got even an exact angle of my crooked eyebrow. "I should go!"

"It wasn't funny back then!"

"You should forgive her. Not everyone has enough willpower to restrain themselves in your presence."

I scarcely held back a remark about _someone_ having too much willpower for his own good. Girl, we decided to deal first with collectors, then with your private life, remember?

Suddenly I noticed that with all the laughing and grimacing we somehow managed to closer to each other and now were sitting side by side.

"So, by the way, what is in this box?"

"Oh, it's a castle." I declared cheerfully, but he looked at me anxiously and said slowly,

"I knew you're a bit obsessed with your knight stories, but..."

"No!" I cut in indignantly "It's not a toy, it's for the fish-tank! It's a decoration."

"Huh, I see." He said skeptically, but I made my '_I'm a serious Spectre, what's your problem, citizen'_ face and he shrugged finally. "Well, you can give it a cool name. Like Castle of the Dead or Water Cemetery."

"Ah, thanks for reminding me. Have you been thinking about the deal?"

"Geez no." He rolled his eyes up. "Don't start with that again."

"C'mon. Killing things is a universal solution. There must be someone for you. Villainous neighbor who took away your toys? That stupid teacher who thought you weren't smiling enough? Oh, I know! After you left the Alliance, someone must have been taken your title. We should teach that upstart to know his place. "I looked at him mischievously and grinned widely "Because he was daring to proclaim himself the best helmsman in the Alliance fleet, when everyone knows that Joker is the true ruler of the skies!"

Joker sized me up, understood that I wouldn't leave it be and that he must just live it through, and sighed "Such rancor is unworthy of the biotic goddess."

"Come on, you'll give him your "earning" speech! You can name all your commendations, diplomas and whatever fancy papers you also have. And list of my compliments too."

"That list would be short and rather indecent," he said coolly and narrowed his eyes. Oh, I know this look, I used to have it myself – and it usually left me with choice of tugging down Joker's hat, or...

"And then we can organize a duel for you two! Like we, biotics, see how many people we can make swirl for longer. Sure you, guys, also have things to compare sizes with." And since I don't have any hat to be tugged...

Joker took his hat off and pulled it over my eyes. Well, he's kinda got out of a scrape this time. But when all this mess ends, I'm gonna threaten him with something like "We're clearing things out or I'm telling Miranda and Jack you said they have the hots for each other."

I turned the brim away from my view and gave Joker a displeased gaze, but he looked taken aback himself

"Commander, emmm, sorry, I didn't mean..."

"Well, who's "always like that" now?" I grinned at him teasingly and he laughed nervously, reaching for his hat, but I just calmly clicked my tongue "Nah-ha."

Joker sighed and ran his hand through his hair, as if it wasn't already disheveled enough.

"Does it just bother you that there's someone on this ship who doesn't occupy with you with a long list of murdered people?"

"Well, let's look at the statistics." I shrugged, sighing "I've killed the criminal for Garrus – he's still with me now. I've found information for Tali – she's still with me. I've found the armor for Wrex – well, maybe he's not here, but he's still my friend. I didn't do anything for Kaidan – and he suddenly overdosed with the Alliance in his blood and despises me."

"Doc's still here too."

"I got brandy for her."

"You saved me." He didn't say "and died", but it was implied in his tone and his marked nonchalance. I wanted to took his hand and tell him plenty of things, from "it wasn't your fault" to "I've never regretted it", but I know he wouldn't believe me, so I came up with dry facts. "I've saved a lot of people who turned against me eventually, including the Council. And you've saved me a plenty of times before."

"So I must betray you or something? Like how?"

I barely suppressed a smirk. When I'm giving orders to my squadmates in fights, I know exactly what they can do and what they can't, I can control them step by step like "move under cover up here, use overload on YMIR and then get this guy with missiles out of my way with your sniper rifle." The most detailed orders that I can give to Joker in a real mess are usually "Shoot 'em up!", "Get us the hell out of here!" and, more often, "Do something!" If wanted to get me killed, he could just not hurry to rescue me for once, or even get me into any trap he wants, sell me out and pretend he doesn't know what happened. Because dealing with pilots – it's like with doctors: they tell you "It can kill you, but we have to do it anyway" and you can only agree and hope they know what they're doing.

"You've been with me through all those hells. I wouldn't have made it with anyone but you since, let me think... Therum. I should get you all the medals that you wanted, but now it's too late and I just want to do something for you. Just 'cause, you know, you deserve it more than anyone."

"No, no, that's just ridiculous." Joker snorted and shook his head "You don't need to do anything to keep me here. Seriously, when the Cerberus people showed up and told me they'd bring you back and needed me as a pilot, I was surprised they were gonna actually pay me for this, 'cause..." he trailed off, realizing that in respond to my oh-so-covert "I want to do something for you to make sure I'll have you around" he almost plainly said "I always will be there for you". It meant her was letting the shields down, shields that were built up for years and without which you feel yourself stripped to the bone.

"Cause they gave you the Normandy?" I said softly, leaving him a possibility to avoid this and get back to our usual pretending and not-showing-weakness-or-concern, because I have the same shields – another form, but equal functions – and I understand how it hard to just drop them down.

"No. Not at all."

He said it slowly and waited for reaction, examining me, but I just smiled stupidly and he smiled back, warily at first, but then fell into the same silliness. I suppose it was a good time for confessions or something like this, but we weren't really that type of people. It's not the words that matter, regardless of how big and poetic they are – I know, I'm a master of speeches. What matters – it's what you really mean by them, and if someone cares, he'll get you. And we just stared at each other, grinning like two idiots, and we both knew that when it's impossible to grin wider, we're gonna kiss like no tomorrow. It was that strange and rare feeling of when you wanted something for a very long time and you can finally get it, but you're delaying it just to enjoy the moment and because you know that then it'll be even more delightful.

Suddenly something clicked behind my back and a tight spring inside of me immediately expanded. On bare reflexes I threw a burst of dark energy at the source of the sound before Joker had time to shout out almost with panic, "No! It's just Krios!"

I turned around, vaguely wondering for a short moment when he started to be so anxious about the assassin, but then he continued "Stop damaging my ship!"

"Thane! Did I hurt you?" I asked, trying to discern him in the darkness and hoping I didn't lose the assassin earlier than expected. Gosh, haven't they trained him to never sneak up on a distracted biotic?

"You can come out. I'll hold her." Joker said just under my ear.

Wait, what? I looked down and found his arm around my shoulders. Ouh. Heh.

Thane came into sight from the entrance of the vent shaft on the ceiling.

"No, you didn't, Shepard," he said, examining the floor for a place to slip down. But our box was just under the vents, so he remained up there. "Are you alright? Tali'Zorah is working on the problem. "

"Thank you, we're good." I said politely.

"Were." Joker added coolly.

"I can help you get out of there through the vents. There's a ladder up here."

"It'll be the last day of my self-respecting life if I climb on the vents and elevator shafts."

Ouch. Do you really need to be so cocky, m'boy?

"And you, Shepard?"

I felt how Joker's fingers squeezed my shoulder and fought down a smile and the urge to lean closer."I suppose Tali can manage this just fine without me."

"She said you... feel uncomfortable in elevators and would prefer to leave as soon as you can."

Thanks, Tali. I shrugged with one shoulder to not throw off Joker's hand."She grossly exaggerated. This girl's always so caring and sometimes overprotective. Quarians, y'know. "

"I see. Then maybe you'll take this to keep in communication? " He got an earpiece from his pocket and held it out.

"Yeah, thanks, that's a great idea." I nodded and drew it up with biotics, feeling how Joker's fingers started to tap impatiently at my shoulder. Yep, I also want to return to what we were up to, but I can't just shoo Thane away.

"Do you need anything else?" the assassin asked politely. Is he really so comfortable with hanging upside down?

"Yeah, two coffee and a pizza would be great." Joker said innocently. I almost choked.

"No! Thane, thank you so much for the concern. And sorry for bothering you with all those... climbing through the vents troubles." I gave him my best bright and most grateful smile.

"It's nothing, Shepard." Thane performed something that probably was meant to be a half-bow, but in his current position looked more like a push-up exercise, and pulled himself up into the vents in one smooth movement. But he still managed to stay calm, elegant and graceful. Man, I could make a hell of money on him in the freak show.

Joker smirked above my ear and I turned to him, wiping the smile off my face, and said "Jeez, what's wrong with you?"

"What? You don't want a pizza?"

"The man is dying and helping us for free! He doesn't deserve to be mocked."

"He _did_ ask."

"He was just being polite and... well-mannered."

"Right, first he's all gentlemanly and then he decides that since you handle over-aggressive kids like Grunt so great, you'll be a perfect stepmother for his wannabe-killer son."

Well, what did you expect? He barked at Kaidan every time the biotic got his hands near the co-pilot's panels and is fighting for territory with _AI_. It should've given you hints about jealousy at what he considers his. It's like... it's like his shields are up again, but now I'm inside of them.

My new earpiece vibrated at the incoming call and I took it to my ear, giving Joker a last unapproving and supposed-to-be-stern look. He understood that I wasn't really angry and pulled me closer with a smug grin.

"Shepard?" said Tali's concerned voice.

"What did you tell Thane? I'm trying to earn respect from the new members, and you tell people I'm nuts?"

"I assume you're fine. Don't worry, the problem will be solved in a few minutes."

Joker oh-so-casually leaned over to me, waiting for resistance. He didn't meet it and pressed his ear against mine. Just to hear the conversation, I suppose. I found out that his beard didn't fell wiry or itchy on my skin, smirked, and said to Tali "Yeah, we're fine. You can take your time. I mean, really." I could feel how Joker was grinning against my cheek, a little rough and ticklish sensation that I wasn't used to.

"No need for causticity, Shepard," Tali said indignantly. "I know that you hate elevators, I'm working as fast as I can!"

I sighed quietly. From some patient, friendly Commander she would take it seriously and be grateful. But from snarky me people always search for mockery.

"So, really just a few minutes?" I asked, trying to not sound disappointed.

"Yes. I'll prove it, so don't start to pounce on people."

I just noticed Joker's hand stroking absently my shoulder and decided that was pretty good advice.

"Yeah, people are quite stressed already, no need for rumors about the Commander being crazy."...and so horny that she tries to ravish the pilot in a locked room. I don't think we'll be able to tear ourselves away from each other in a few minutes, not to mention about not looking so calm, so we better not start right now. Joker apparently had similar thoughts, as he pulled himself away, sighing, and removing his hand.

"Don't worry, Shepard, everything will be great. See you _soon_."

"Yeah." I switched off the comm and cast a sidelong look at Joker. He cleared his throat and said nonchalantly, "So... It's occurring to me that we're doing quite great, mm?"

"Indeed." I murmured with a ghost of a smile.

"Better than on the bridge, yeah?"

"Absolutely."

"Maybe there's some... correlation? Maybe in a more remote place it'll be even better?"

"Somewhere not on the ship with a constantly watching AI, you mean?"

"And where people won't bother you with troubles... and new messages."

I chuckled. "We must experiment. For science, as Mordin would say."

I stood up and picked up the hat from the floor, where it apparently felt when I abruptly turned to Thane. When I held it out to Joker, he looked at me and frowned.

"Something wrong?"

"Nothing to worry about."

"Hey, I can see. What is it?"I sighed and licked my lips.

"All those abducted people... Some of our crewmembers had families on those colonies. And we're the only ones who work on that. I mean... You know me, I can't even go buy something for myself if I don't have a reason to be around. I won't be able to just go and enjoy my shore leave and not think that something awful is happening right now. I would be tense and uneasy and distracted... I know it's stupid. I know it's irrational. But it's just the way I am."

"I guess I should expect that, asking out the hero." he looked down for a moment and shrugged, but then curled up one corner of his lips. "Well then, you give the order to Gardner and scare everyone away from the mess hall, I cut off the power to the cameras... and block vents, hmm?"

"You're the best."

"I know. Lucky you."

_ Wait, how about..._ Nagh, it's madness. _But with some estimations..._ nonsense, I can't do it. Better to not risk and joke around lawful fanatics... _Oh, c'mon, you were dating the city's main prosecutor for three months before he discovered who you are. Sure you can handle one accident. _I was a reckless criminal in those days, not a responsible Commander. _This only means that now people trust you more. It will be easier. She will never find out and it's not her business anyway. _I guess the threat of jeopardizing her precious quest is quite her business. She certainly would consider it this way. He can put up with that. _The man had already put up with leaving the Alliance and joining terrorists for you; can you do something for him once? There's no guarantee you will live long enough for the second chance._

"Hey? You alright?" I looked up and found out that he already stood up. I bit my lip and said slowly,

"Mmm, listen... Actually today I have to go on a mission... under cover. In "Afterlife". But it's not just-in-time affair. I mean, we can hang around together for hours, I'll just need to deal with things before the night ends."

"So you are going just abandon me there?"

"In the VIP-section, with drinks and asari-dancers all around? I'm sure you'll survive."

He folded his arms, frowning.

"And what's the mission?"

"Well, Samara needs me to..."

"No, wait! I don't want to know anything about it. She's gonna come and say that she regrets it, cause I'm nice guy, but she has to kill me because I know more than I should."

"I'll deal with her."

"Really?"

I just nodded, and trailed my fingertip up the line of his collarbone to his shoulder and shook off the speck of dust there. He silently followed this with his eyes, swallowed and looked up, but in this moment everything lightened up and the elevator smoothly started to move.

"Okay." Joker said quickly, as if a spell was broken and I could change my mind. "Better than nothing."

I smiled at him and the doors opened. There was everyone standing quite crowded and nervously around, with Miranda barking about something at Mordin, exaggeratedly optimistic Kelly, and Tali, who immediately stepped to me.

"Shepard!"

"Hey, I told you we're fine, no need to..."

"No, no! It's not about that! The Collector bugs, the ones Mordin kept for experiments, accidentally broke free!"

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and said very calmly, "I'm sure our team of engineers and scientists can provide us with butterfly nets?"


End file.
